Struggling with Meaninglessness

Initially, I thought I’ve written the funniest story in my life – A Story of An Emo Boy Inspired By The Swimming Pool (Part 1). However, the more I read it, the more I realized it wasn’t really as great as I first thought. I think it is very good but not really super brilliant. I don’t deserve a standing ovation for this.

I think I made 4 mistakes while writing this story :

1. I over-emphasized on one-liners

2. I tried too hard to play with words

3. I tried to create a humour revolves around an Emo boy but didn’t give much effort to create funny imaginations in reader’s head in the story line.

4. I was experimenting of using present participle rather than the usual past participle in the writing and for some reasons, I think it diminishes the humour.

The funniest piece of story I’ve written is still A Story Never Told. Having reread it few minutes ago, I wonder if I can ever write something as funny as this again. The reason why this story was so well written was because I purely focused on telling the story in funny twisted ways without needing to play with words and one liners.

Maybe I shouldn’t call what I did as mistakes. I think it is just another way of story writing, just that it is not as funny and effective. The positive I got from this – At least now I know what makes a brilliant Exaggeration story writing and what’s above average.

Part 2 will still be released nevertheless. This Saturday, probably. Philosophical stuffs.

Note 1 : To keep the writing original, vulgarity is unavoidable.

Note 2  : 90% of the content below is fiction and doesn’t exactly represent me in any way =P

It is 10.24PM at night. I am stoning in front of my desktop, staring at the monitor like an immovable statue. Life is mundane, life seemingly have no purpose at all and I can’t help but to wonder if the stones in my aquarium are having happier time than myself. However, I am glad there are things which still reminds me that I’m a human after all – my bottomless stomach.

“Mum, I’m bloody hungry. Bring me a horse!”

Life is good because I have a ‘sorcerer’ mum who could always provide me with whatever I demand.

While feasting on some horse meat like an ogre, I logon to Facebook, a social networking tool which people love to use because it gives us reasons not to meet up with our friends face to face. As an introverted anti-social guy, Facebook give me the security of avoiding people yet looking sociable at the same time. Yay, Facebook for the WIN.

Feeling bored, I browse my Facebook, and I come across a Facebook application quiz in the latest feeds – “How Well Do You Know Mr. S?” And this instantly bring me back memories. I got to know Mr. S since I was 10 years old and we grew up together with other Section 17 buddies playing StarCraft and Counter-Strike at Cybercafe. We are not as close as we were last time, but still, an old friend is still an old friend.

Out of boredom, I click on his quiz and try to answer it. It is basically an 8 questions quiz about Mr. S. Well I didn’t keep in touch with him as frequently as I should, but scoring 50% shouldn’t be difficult. Should I have problems with the questions, I can always rely on my psychology superpowers to get me out of jail.

Speaking of this, there’s is something I find it hard to understand. You know, most psychology students often make a point that they can’t read minds. And I think that’s bloody retarded.

I mean, what are they supposed to learn in university if they are not gonna read minds? Study why men think of sex every 7 seconds? Why guys salivate when a big-breast girl running around in sports bra? Elementary, my dear psychologist-wannabes. I can get all the answers by just spending $10 on a XXX DVD.

Unlike all these ineffectual psychology students who wasted all their parent’s money to study rubbish in university and college, I CAN READ MINDS. Who needs to go to psychology classes anyway?

Enough of bragging. Let’s do the quiz. Mind Reading Superpower Mode : ON!

*click click*

*click click*

*click click*

Results……

*Deafening silence*

Urm, OK, the results are out. I do not know why, but I think it was a stroke of bad luck and things turned out to be a little, just a little, depressing. I mean really, I was really bad luck. Ok, ok … I admit I failed the quiz, scoring 25% and only got 2 out of 8 questions right. You know, urm, I didn’t know what happened, but you know, sometimes shit happens … you know. Urm ya, well, it was really unfortunate isn’t it to not score well in my friend’s quiz. Urm. I hope I will do better next time. =)

=)

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Screw this shit. I’m sick with all this pretense. You know what. I had enough. The matter of fact is I was utterly pissed. Super duper whooper pissed! I hate the results I got. I hate being embarrassed by failing this stupid quiz. Now the whole damn Facebook world know I’m a bloody failure. Bloody hell.

My dignity which was once supernova-bright is crestfallen, turning so dim like fireflies lighting up an abandoned graveyard. The shame is so unbearable I almost fell flat on my face. Might as well I just bury my head under the ground like an ostrich. Oh damn, the floor is made of tiles. Even the floor hate me now. The whole world hate me. Where do you want me to hide my face now, world?

Mum, where is the paper bag? I demand you to give me a paper bag now, or else your son will have no choice but to flush his own head down the toilet. What? No more paper bag? Um, shit. How about your Gucci bag?  Rubbish bin? Condom??  What? You can be a superwoman and catch me a horse but you can’t get me something as simple as a condom? What? You’re shy to get it from 7-11? Oh, come on …

Goodness gracious me… give me a hand and help me to pull the toilet handle then.

HOLD! HOLD!

Wait a minute……… Why should I flush myself when it is clearly not my fault at all? It is them, the society. I blame them. They humiliated me by trapping me to fail in their Facebook quizzes. They are the evil culprits. They framed me. They enjoy seeing me fail. Them, them, them and them! Despicable!

With this enlightening realization, I transformed my emotions from guilt to anger. I have no more reasons to be guilty. I must be ANGRY! I clench and shake my fist, gesturing to my Samsung monitor and start hitting it with my half-eaten horse drumstick, raged by all the injustice the society has thrown at me. I can’t let go the bitterness which has been engulfing me for the last billions of nanoseconds ago. Then I know … vengeance is absolutely necessary.

The master plan – creating the toughest Facebook quiz in the world about myself to fail everyone, thus redeeming my ego. That’s right, a world domination plan to make everyone feel miserable. A plan to cultivate an angry world, transforming people to backstab and hate each other.

Without wasting any more time, I begin my malicious quest. Every single tap on my keyboard is filled with evil intention. In the internet world, trolls such as myself would be labeled as the ‘Keyboard Warrior’. I grin wickedly like an obsessed psychopath, strive to execute my schemes to perfection. I only have one goal in mind – to turn this reality as miserable as my inner world. I engrossed myself in spreading the 7 Deadly Sins to humanity for I want them to know the feeling of suffering, pain and the misery I have gone through.

Karma is a whore, Emo is a pimp and my tainted soul is the whoremaster. And the result – eternal vicious orgasm. What bitch around, fucks around. I want all of them who do my test to go down on their knees, cry in vain, beg and plead me for mercy. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM. Yes! Yes! The sadder they get, the happier I become. Nothing in the world now beat the pleasure of seeing people miserable.

In a blink of an eye, I have composed 7 questions. One last question left. But I’m not taking this lightly. I intent to make this question the toughest question in the universe, so tough when Buddha reads the question, he will shit bricks. What should I ask? Hmm … hmm… hm … AHA!!. Check. This. Out.

At what age I was the happiest?

Perfecto!

A miserable guy like me has no life. How the hell would I know when I was the happiest? And how the hell would other people know when I was the happiest? My ambition is to be the #1 CEO in the world – Chief Emo Officer and there’s no such word as Happy in my dictionary. I hereby declare that today, 28/04/2009 is the Earth Emo Day. To officiate this opening ceremony, I dedicate this poem to the world.

Tears shall be shed,

Bricks will be shat.

I know what I’m good at,

Time to turn this world mad,

Eat that, Shakespeare! You know what, you should just change your name to Shakesbooty – Maybe you will have better chance to find a living in gay porn industry.

I enthusiastically put down the answer-option to the unanswerable question. It doesn’t matter what the answer is anyway, it is up to me to randomly choose an answer. I can put 100 years old as my happiest year and still say it is the correct answer because this is MY QUIZ AND I SET THE RULES! But for the sake of playing the game right, and for the sake of making people to have no choice but accepting their failure, I put some sensible answers to it instead.

23 years old …

21years old  …

19 years old  …

17 yea …

But something unexpected happen – my subconscious mind is acting up on me. Suddenly, I recall the memories of how happy I actually was during my teenage years. Especially when I was 17. I miss the days when I was still young and youthful. I miss the days when I could live in the moment, having fun with friends, without needing to worry about tomorrow. School life was great and every night, I looked forward to each new day in my class with great joy.

But all these are now lost in my adult years. College and work life have consumed my soul. I am now a drone of the society. *Sob* Tears trickling down my cheek, I broke down, and sulked in sorrow.

Who knows, perhaps I will buy water gun next and start playing with my grown up friends to rekindle my sweet childhood memories. And Lego too. I want to build a babywalker with Lego bricks so that I can be a baby all over again. How sweet.

HOLD!

Woah woah woah!! How can I let my plans to backfire me?! I’m supposed to make people emo, not making myself emo! Dammit, what was I doing? How can a Chief Emo Officer failed in his own Emo quest?

I realigned my focus and concentrate my anger to overpower my sorrowful feelings. I need to get the job done.

*Concentration*

*More Concentration*

DONE! THE LINK OF DEATH :

http://apps.facebook.com/quizdoyouknowme/quiz.jsp?q=419696

I spam and spread the link of death mercilessly to anyone and everyone I come across. I spread it to my good friends, hi-bye friends, enemies, strangers, cats, dogs and the bacteria in my nostrils. I’ll do whatever it takes to make them do the quiz even if it involves physical tickling .

One by one I can see it in their face – Their disappointment, despair and hopelessness of failing my majestic quiz. 50+ of them did my quiz and NON of them got more than 3 answer right out of 8 questions. All of them. LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

All of the victims is either clouded by guilt or angered by my quiz.  They react defensively and angrily when I make fun of them failing my quiz. Yes, that’s the right reaction, this is all in my plan, suckers. Now, who is my latest victim? Oh, Dane just took my test. And he failed too. 3/8 questions = 37%. MUAHAHAHA. WOOHOOO! Time to make fun this little scum!

Ronn : HAHA, you failed in my quiz, Noobtard!

Dane : That’s OK. =)

Ronn : That’s NOT OK, you noobtard. You’re supposed to be sad, embarrassed and angry. Then, you are supposed to spread and influence the anger to another 1000 people. Have you not read the book Tribes by Seth Godin?

Dane : =)

Ronn : Stop smiling like a retard.

Dane  : Oh, minion, anger is illusory. It is nothing but a bubble. If we keep spreading anger to other people, when will it ever end? Come follow me, I will show you the light. I will show you the Truth.

Ronn : FAR QUEUE! I’m not a minion, you biatch!

Dane : Oh, minion, there’s no Queue to Truth and it is certainly not Far.

Ronn : *facepalm*

Dane : Come, follow me. I will bring you to go swimming this weekend.

Ronn : Swimming … ?

Dane : Yes, swimming. The swimming pool will lead you the truth.

<To Be Continued Next Week………>

PS : Part 2 will see the transformation of Ronn, becoming a much wiser person. So, part 2 will be less funny and more philosophical.

This is my desktop table. I have no shame to self-proclaim this engineering masterpiece of mine as the 8th Wonder of the World. You know, the greatest construction since Hanging Garden of Babylon. And who knows, Hanging Garden of Babylon might just be another man-made myth for the sake of glorifying the Babylonian civilization. But my months of painstaking engineering effort is 100% provable REAL and proudly made in Malaysia. Period. So, am I not significantly more credible than .. um .. Nebuczaza… Nebunezar? Damn, who was the joker who gave him such mocking name. Hold on, let me Google up his name. *Tap tap tap tap tap tap. Click. Click. Copy paste.* That’s right, Nebuchadnezzar. So, am I not significantly more credible than Nebuchadnezzar II who may have built nothing? Am I not a more credible engineer compared to him??

Black-chrome-with-glowing-blue-light gadgets is my biggest turn-ons, beaten only by my Japanese XXX videos. But there are times I just can’t help to wonder – where did the joy came from? What’s the rationale behind my obsession towards black chrome objects and designs? Why do I think the glowing blue light is beautiful?

Do you notice there are certain little things in life which often creates a little joy in you? Like when you see some creamy donuts or when you’re attracted to the sleek Nike shoe design or when the gentle wind blow on your face? It would be understandable if we ask why do we feel joy and salivate when looking at tasty-fresh-from-the-oven chicken meat and hot sexy girls. The reasons for these are simple – For the former, obviously it is our inner motivation urging us to devour the food or else we will starve, literally and the latter, it is also our inner motivation urging us to ‘devour’ the ‘food’ or else we will ‘starve’, metaphorically.

But why chrome design? I don’t intend to bring up the graphics, but I’m not going to make love and copulate with my Razer keyboard, right? So, what’s the reason I like my gadget designs so much? Moreover, why do I like it when it is drizzling? Why do I enjoy listening to House music? Why do I get a sense of satisfaction after completing the jigsaw puzzle?

I have asked plenty of whys and even stopped myself from asking more whys, but the answer remained elusive. Now, I have two choices here. One, I say ‘God did it’ and never bother about finding the answer anymore. Or two, I accept the fact I don’t know, yet.

Like all wise men do, I resigned to the fact that I don’t know. (I have to choose this or else Socrates would be mad at me if I chose the first option instead).

There are some things which I still do not understand well but there are some which I think make logical sense – like why we think beach and forest are beautiful. You see, beach and forest are our natural habitat, just like polar bear will be happy to see ice and camel will be happy to be in the sand. As an omnivorous creature, forest represents a place for food where we can find plenty of fruit, plants and animal meat. Plus as a primate, our ancestors were living and swinging from tree to the tree. Hence, theoretically, we are emotionally triggered to like forest in a way to motivate us to reside and breed in the forest for survival purposes.

(Another interesting thing is – do you all notice that the all the biggest cities in the world are usually situated near the sea? I know the fact that ancient cities is situated near the sea for trading purposes, but I just couldn’t stop wonder if there is a correlation between this and our fondness towards beach?)

I do not have evidence for this, but I have a theory that people would be truly happier if we live in the forest instead of in a city. Or at least in suburb areas where trees are abundant.

I believe anyone who could crack the code of the origin of joy will have a massive upper hand advantage in the marketing industry. One good example is the joy of seeing shiny and glowing objects. For some weird reasons, human have some kind of obsessions towards glowing and shiny objects. And this is the same reason why some metal materials (such as Gold and Silver) and gemstone (Diamond, Sapphire, Jade) are very well sought after. People are willing to pay high price for these objects. But hey, logically thinking, they are just … stones and metal. Why nobody is willing to pay high price for the stones in my goldfish aquarium? That’s right, that’s because my stones did not mutate to glow in dark, hence no value.

Sucks to be you, stone in my aquarium.