Struggling with Meaninglessness

Note 1 : To keep the writing original, vulgarity is unavoidable.

Note 2  : 90% of the content below is fiction and doesn’t exactly represent me in any way =P

It is 10.24PM at night. I am stoning in front of my desktop, staring at the monitor like an immovable statue. Life is mundane, life seemingly have no purpose at all and I can’t help but to wonder if the stones in my aquarium are having happier time than myself. However, I am glad there are things which still reminds me that I’m a human after all – my bottomless stomach.

“Mum, I’m bloody hungry. Bring me a horse!”

Life is good because I have a ‘sorcerer’ mum who could always provide me with whatever I demand.

While feasting on some horse meat like an ogre, I logon to Facebook, a social networking tool which people love to use because it gives us reasons not to meet up with our friends face to face. As an introverted anti-social guy, Facebook give me the security of avoiding people yet looking sociable at the same time. Yay, Facebook for the WIN.

Feeling bored, I browse my Facebook, and I come across a Facebook application quiz in the latest feeds – “How Well Do You Know Mr. S?” And this instantly bring me back memories. I got to know Mr. S since I was 10 years old and we grew up together with other Section 17 buddies playing StarCraft and Counter-Strike at Cybercafe. We are not as close as we were last time, but still, an old friend is still an old friend.

Out of boredom, I click on his quiz and try to answer it. It is basically an 8 questions quiz about Mr. S. Well I didn’t keep in touch with him as frequently as I should, but scoring 50% shouldn’t be difficult. Should I have problems with the questions, I can always rely on my psychology superpowers to get me out of jail.

Speaking of this, there’s is something I find it hard to understand. You know, most psychology students often make a point that they can’t read minds. And I think that’s bloody retarded.

I mean, what are they supposed to learn in university if they are not gonna read minds? Study why men think of sex every 7 seconds? Why guys salivate when a big-breast girl running around in sports bra? Elementary, my dear psychologist-wannabes. I can get all the answers by just spending $10 on a XXX DVD.

Unlike all these ineffectual psychology students who wasted all their parent’s money to study rubbish in university and college, I CAN READ MINDS. Who needs to go to psychology classes anyway?

Enough of bragging. Let’s do the quiz. Mind Reading Superpower Mode : ON!

*click click*

*click click*

*click click*

Results……

*Deafening silence*

Urm, OK, the results are out. I do not know why, but I think it was a stroke of bad luck and things turned out to be a little, just a little, depressing. I mean really, I was really bad luck. Ok, ok … I admit I failed the quiz, scoring 25% and only got 2 out of 8 questions right. You know, urm, I didn’t know what happened, but you know, sometimes shit happens … you know. Urm ya, well, it was really unfortunate isn’t it to not score well in my friend’s quiz. Urm. I hope I will do better next time. =)

=)

=|

=\

=(

Screw this shit. I’m sick with all this pretense. You know what. I had enough. The matter of fact is I was utterly pissed. Super duper whooper pissed! I hate the results I got. I hate being embarrassed by failing this stupid quiz. Now the whole damn Facebook world know I’m a bloody failure. Bloody hell.

My dignity which was once supernova-bright is crestfallen, turning so dim like fireflies lighting up an abandoned graveyard. The shame is so unbearable I almost fell flat on my face. Might as well I just bury my head under the ground like an ostrich. Oh damn, the floor is made of tiles. Even the floor hate me now. The whole world hate me. Where do you want me to hide my face now, world?

Mum, where is the paper bag? I demand you to give me a paper bag now, or else your son will have no choice but to flush his own head down the toilet. What? No more paper bag? Um, shit. How about your Gucci bag?  Rubbish bin? Condom??  What? You can be a superwoman and catch me a horse but you can’t get me something as simple as a condom? What? You’re shy to get it from 7-11? Oh, come on …

Goodness gracious me… give me a hand and help me to pull the toilet handle then.

HOLD! HOLD!

Wait a minute……… Why should I flush myself when it is clearly not my fault at all? It is them, the society. I blame them. They humiliated me by trapping me to fail in their Facebook quizzes. They are the evil culprits. They framed me. They enjoy seeing me fail. Them, them, them and them! Despicable!

With this enlightening realization, I transformed my emotions from guilt to anger. I have no more reasons to be guilty. I must be ANGRY! I clench and shake my fist, gesturing to my Samsung monitor and start hitting it with my half-eaten horse drumstick, raged by all the injustice the society has thrown at me. I can’t let go the bitterness which has been engulfing me for the last billions of nanoseconds ago. Then I know … vengeance is absolutely necessary.

The master plan – creating the toughest Facebook quiz in the world about myself to fail everyone, thus redeeming my ego. That’s right, a world domination plan to make everyone feel miserable. A plan to cultivate an angry world, transforming people to backstab and hate each other.

Without wasting any more time, I begin my malicious quest. Every single tap on my keyboard is filled with evil intention. In the internet world, trolls such as myself would be labeled as the ‘Keyboard Warrior’. I grin wickedly like an obsessed psychopath, strive to execute my schemes to perfection. I only have one goal in mind – to turn this reality as miserable as my inner world. I engrossed myself in spreading the 7 Deadly Sins to humanity for I want them to know the feeling of suffering, pain and the misery I have gone through.

Karma is a whore, Emo is a pimp and my tainted soul is the whoremaster. And the result – eternal vicious orgasm. What bitch around, fucks around. I want all of them who do my test to go down on their knees, cry in vain, beg and plead me for mercy. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM. Yes! Yes! The sadder they get, the happier I become. Nothing in the world now beat the pleasure of seeing people miserable.

In a blink of an eye, I have composed 7 questions. One last question left. But I’m not taking this lightly. I intent to make this question the toughest question in the universe, so tough when Buddha reads the question, he will shit bricks. What should I ask? Hmm … hmm… hm … AHA!!. Check. This. Out.

At what age I was the happiest?

Perfecto!

A miserable guy like me has no life. How the hell would I know when I was the happiest? And how the hell would other people know when I was the happiest? My ambition is to be the #1 CEO in the world – Chief Emo Officer and there’s no such word as Happy in my dictionary. I hereby declare that today, 28/04/2009 is the Earth Emo Day. To officiate this opening ceremony, I dedicate this poem to the world.

Tears shall be shed,

Bricks will be shat.

I know what I’m good at,

Time to turn this world mad,

Eat that, Shakespeare! You know what, you should just change your name to Shakesbooty – Maybe you will have better chance to find a living in gay porn industry.

I enthusiastically put down the answer-option to the unanswerable question. It doesn’t matter what the answer is anyway, it is up to me to randomly choose an answer. I can put 100 years old as my happiest year and still say it is the correct answer because this is MY QUIZ AND I SET THE RULES! But for the sake of playing the game right, and for the sake of making people to have no choice but accepting their failure, I put some sensible answers to it instead.

23 years old …

21years old  …

19 years old  …

17 yea …

But something unexpected happen – my subconscious mind is acting up on me. Suddenly, I recall the memories of how happy I actually was during my teenage years. Especially when I was 17. I miss the days when I was still young and youthful. I miss the days when I could live in the moment, having fun with friends, without needing to worry about tomorrow. School life was great and every night, I looked forward to each new day in my class with great joy.

But all these are now lost in my adult years. College and work life have consumed my soul. I am now a drone of the society. *Sob* Tears trickling down my cheek, I broke down, and sulked in sorrow.

Who knows, perhaps I will buy water gun next and start playing with my grown up friends to rekindle my sweet childhood memories. And Lego too. I want to build a babywalker with Lego bricks so that I can be a baby all over again. How sweet.

HOLD!

Woah woah woah!! How can I let my plans to backfire me?! I’m supposed to make people emo, not making myself emo! Dammit, what was I doing? How can a Chief Emo Officer failed in his own Emo quest?

I realigned my focus and concentrate my anger to overpower my sorrowful feelings. I need to get the job done.

*Concentration*

*More Concentration*

DONE! THE LINK OF DEATH :

http://apps.facebook.com/quizdoyouknowme/quiz.jsp?q=419696

I spam and spread the link of death mercilessly to anyone and everyone I come across. I spread it to my good friends, hi-bye friends, enemies, strangers, cats, dogs and the bacteria in my nostrils. I’ll do whatever it takes to make them do the quiz even if it involves physical tickling .

One by one I can see it in their face – Their disappointment, despair and hopelessness of failing my majestic quiz. 50+ of them did my quiz and NON of them got more than 3 answer right out of 8 questions. All of them. LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

All of the victims is either clouded by guilt or angered by my quiz.  They react defensively and angrily when I make fun of them failing my quiz. Yes, that’s the right reaction, this is all in my plan, suckers. Now, who is my latest victim? Oh, Dane just took my test. And he failed too. 3/8 questions = 37%. MUAHAHAHA. WOOHOOO! Time to make fun this little scum!

Ronn : HAHA, you failed in my quiz, Noobtard!

Dane : That’s OK. =)

Ronn : That’s NOT OK, you noobtard. You’re supposed to be sad, embarrassed and angry. Then, you are supposed to spread and influence the anger to another 1000 people. Have you not read the book Tribes by Seth Godin?

Dane : =)

Ronn : Stop smiling like a retard.

Dane  : Oh, minion, anger is illusory. It is nothing but a bubble. If we keep spreading anger to other people, when will it ever end? Come follow me, I will show you the light. I will show you the Truth.

Ronn : FAR QUEUE! I’m not a minion, you biatch!

Dane : Oh, minion, there’s no Queue to Truth and it is certainly not Far.

Ronn : *facepalm*

Dane : Come, follow me. I will bring you to go swimming this weekend.

Ronn : Swimming … ?

Dane : Yes, swimming. The swimming pool will lead you the truth.

<To Be Continued Next Week………>

PS : Part 2 will see the transformation of Ronn, becoming a much wiser person. So, part 2 will be less funny and more philosophical.

One of my ‘filters’ when looking for a female partner is to avoid girls who are super-emotional. I think they are rather nuisance to my intelligence and is absolutely nerve racking.

To be fair, I know the female species are generally more emotional than guys. Heck, even my mum’s hot temper could occasionally shatter my rationality into pieces. But I’m perfectly fine with it because her emotions is only slightly above normal level, unlike some small group of extreme emotional females who can never cease being emotional.

I will call these scary species as the “super-emo ladies”.

There are no other creatures in this planet who could mindfuck me to kingdom come – Only them, the super-emo ladies have this ‘mind blowing’ mutant ability. Listening to a super-emo lady rants is pure torture. Beyond hell. They are Satan’s favourite pets. My intelligence will never fail to break down and cry every time they open their mouth and transmit the never-ending-emo-acoustic-vibrations to my ears.

When I’m with a super-emo lady, I will be so psyched up to the point I will become a God-believer – Just for the sheer moment. I will look up at the sky and ask the heavens philosophically – “I can shut my eyes, i can shut my mouth, I can stop breathing, but why can’t I shut my ears? What’s the rationale of God designing human to not able to shut our ears? Why do we HAVE NO CHOICE but to listen to emo rants?”

If God tries to be funny, I could imagine this is how He will reply me – “When a super-emo lady make an emo-rant, and no man is listening to her, is she still ranting?”

……… *confused* ………

Stop Shakespear-ing with me, God!!!

Throughout my experience talking with super-emo ladies, I noticed they have a pattern in their mind. This is one of the scenarios where I can apply my Flake Theory in. They are trapped with their emotions at one part of the brain and couldn’t escape. Hence, they will keep repeating the super-emo process cycle. I will explain what super-emo process cycle shortly.

But to be honest, as time went on, I started to develop a little compassion towards super-emo ladies. And then my friend introduced me to David Deida’s book The Way Of The Superior Man. My compassion towards the female species doubled. I started to see where did super-emo ladies came from. I started to sympathize them as no females would want to become super-emo lady if they ever have a choice.

But still, it didn’t change the fact that I wish my ears could shut down whenever they speak. Too bad.

It has been some time since I’ve encountered a super-emo lady. Until last week. Let’s call her Miss E, my college-mate back in my college days. She has just broken up a one month relationship with a guy recently – Her first love. Clearly, she was unhappy. She needed people to talk to. She wanted to share her problems. Out of sympathy, 5 guys including myself  invited her to a chat room in MSN Messenger to listen to her feelings. But to be honest, we were more interested in listening to gossip more than caring for her. All the guys were listening to her problems intently. But I take little interest in her problems because all I heard was purely emo rants.

She kept ranting and ranting telling how sad she was, how she hated the guy, why starting relationship with him was a mistake, how the guy betrayed her. Kept calling the guy ‘sucker’. Yada yada bla bla bla. Never ending rants and kept repeating the points over and over again.

This is when my friend Mr. J, the ever down to earth Mr. Nice Guy tried to keep consoling and advice her. For 30 minutes, he with his good patience tried to console her with his polite relationship wisdom.

But my guts told me what Mr. J doing was utterly bullshit. His advice will only fall to deaf ears. I would have spent the 30 minutes watching plants grow instead. It would have been more interesting. 

You see, super-emo girls are selfish.  They just wanna spill their emotions. And spill more. And more. What you have to say is irrelevant and pointless. They are treating our ears as slaves. (But since we chatted in MSN, in this case, our eyes became slaves instead.) It is a one way communication. And they are particularly sensitive when you tell them that they are in the wrong side. They are trapped in one side of the brain and couldn’t see the other sides. The process repeats by itself and this is what the super-emo process cycle I mentioned is all about.

After few hours of ranting, now she rant about the SMSes she received.

Miss E : You should have read the SMSes from the guy. Even you would be angry after reading the SMSes.

Mr. J : Really? What did the messages say?

Miss E : But if I open up the messages, it will hurt me again. I don’t want to think about this guy anymore.

Mr . J : Delete all the messages then. Don’t keep them. I want you to move forward, not stuck in the past. You should forget about that guy. Life is … <bla-bla-bla-bla-typical-boring-nice-guy’s-advice-yawwnnnwn-bla-bla>. Don’t think about him anymore. If you have problems talk to us.

I, who was quiet throughout the conversation, suddenly recalled David Deida’s message. Then I decided to rock the boat instead.

Ronn : Show me the messages. I want to read.

Miss E: Really?

Ronn: Yes, I want to read.

Miss E: Um, Ok … Wait, I will connect my mobile phone to my PC.

BAM BAM. My two liner has owned Mr. J’s essay of advice. TOTAL OWNAGE. PWNED. 30 MINUTES DOWN THE DRAIN. I could feel Mr. J wanted to demand her to give him back his 30 minutes of time. And it has proven David Deida’s theory right! What A Gem! The wisest man ever lived on planet Earth after Sun Tzu!

More importantly, I started to understand a little why Nice Guys always lose.

OK, let’s leave out the super-emo lady for a little while. Let’s understand about girls in general. You see, when a typical girl is influx with emotions, no matter happy or sad, she will go beyond human-like. She becomes an Oracle. An oracle do not tell you directly what will happen or what she wants. Instead, she speaks in ‘codes’ and it is up to us, the men, the mere mortal, to decipher her words.

The science behind an Oracle’s mind is not as straight forward as mortal’s thoughts. When an Oracle speaks, she is not using words to describe her thoughts like what most men always do. Rather, she is using words to express her emotions. And for men who have less compassion and wisdom, deciphering Oracle’s words is a mess. And that’s why many men complained they have problems understanding females. And it is also the same reason why the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is such a big hit although the content of the book is total waste of crap. It all boils down to the methodology of communication.

Remember she is an Oracle. She is no ordinary human being. When having an audience with the Oracle and when she has a message for us, we shou…

Alter Ego : Whoa, I’m sorry to interrupt you but I have a question. By that, do you mean there are 3 billion Oracles on this planet?

Ronn : Urm. Figuratively speaking, yes.

Alter Ego : What is so special about it if half of the population are Oracles?

Ronn : Well, it is just a metaphor anyway. Plus, I’m tapping on the power of ‘communicating to emotions’, you know. It is powerful and will make the ladies feel flattered.  =)

Alter Ego : Another words for apple-polishing?

Ronn : Dude, you need some sense of compassion.

Alter Ego : Well, it just didn’t fit in to my logic right to use the word Oracle. The word is too big of a label for them.

Ronn : I suspect you are a male chauvinist donkey.

Alter Ego : I am you and you are me. Yes, I suspect that as well.

Ronn : I think you’re nice and gentleman.

OK, I guess I will stop using the world Oracle since my alter ego bitched about it. Instead I believe practical examples will work best :

• Boy : What do you want to eat for dinner?
  Girl : Up to you. I’m OK with anything.

Interpretation : When a guy says ‘up to you’, we REALLY meant ‘up to you’. But for a girl, it means that she can’t decide and it up to the guy to decide. However, she expects the guy to make the best decision for her. Hence, if she expects dining in a good restaurant and the guy brings her to a fast food restaurant instead, she will frown in disgust… because it is not really ‘up to you’ after all.

• Girl : I want to eat the ice-cream, but I’m worried it will make me fat =(

Interpretation : She WANTS to eat the ice-cream. Plus, she needs a ‘delusional reassurance’ from the guy that it will not make her fat. Feed her more ice-cream to gain more love points.

• Girl : I hate it when you keep watching the TV the whole day.

Interpretation: There’s nothing wrong with watching TV actually. She just doesn’t like the guy to waste so much time with the TV instead of doing something productive… Or perhaps spending time with her.

• Girl : You should read the messages. But I do not want to read the messages again. It hurts me.

Interpretation : She WANTS to show it to you. The words ‘it hurts me’ means she wants the guy to ‘share her pain’. She expects the guy to insist of showing him.

• Girl : Don’t buy any gifts for me, OK. Don’t waste your money.

Interpretation : If she says this, especially when the date is near some special occasion, she is actually ‘reminding’ you about it.

Hence, to deal with girl’s words, sometimes you gotta think the big picture a little. Just a little. Decode her emotions, not words. And this is a little problem with most typical Nice Guys – Nice Guys take girls words literally.

An Encounter With Three Black Devils

It was 12.05 AM in the midnight. I was walking home alone on the street after a long day. The night was cool and breezy, a perfect time for myself to do some mental masturbation. “What should I write on my blog this week?”Evolution? Psychology? Rationalism? Male supremacy to stroke my own ego again?”

Out of nowhere, I suddenly felt a strong force behind my back. I turned my head slightly. I saw from the corner of my eyes three tall figures shrouded with dark aura, tailing behind me.  I can’t see their face properly. Their face was black dark almost faceless. I call them the Three Black Devils and I don’t feel good about them.

Upon sensing potential danger, I paced myself trying to distance away from them. But these are no ordinary Devils. In an instant, they were right behind my back without me noticing it. Their dark aura was so intense. I heard plenty of stories of how innocent people was mugged and stripped to naked by these Devils. They spare nothing of the victim’s possession including their underwear. Royally doomed is me.

Immediately, I thought of the ‘precious’ item I was carrying in my bag – My laptop. Actually, I was willing to surrender my laptop to these Devils. What’s so big deal when you can find laptop everywhere ? But there were something I just can’t give away … – My 200GB of XXX VIDEOS in my laptop. I mean …after all the years of companionship and joy with my XXX videos, how could I let them go just like that? Some of these XXX videos were downloaded when I was 15.. and that’s … that’s like .. almost 10 years ago?? So much sweet memories. Furthermore, if Time = Gold, then the Time to download XXX movies = crazy amount of Gold. As a guy with Chinese ancestry, my genes always punish me with agonizing emotions if I ever waste Gold. So, no, I will not allow years of my hard work and effort to go in vain.

I’ve made up my mind – no way I’m surrendering my XXX videos to these rascals. I will protect my precious XXX videos at all cost even if it means breaking my bones. What am I gonna do for the rest of my life without my XXX videos? What will be the meaning of life then? How can I practice compassion if I can’t spread the joy of my XXX videos with the world via Bittorrent? I’m sure even Buddha would be unhappy if the world loss such a devoted follower in me who love spreading happiness to the world, right? right?

The Three Black Devils surrounded me in circle, giving me no room to run. Grinning and gazing me with an intimidating look, one of Devils finally broke the tense silence. He said in broken Malay …

Black Devil : Mari, ikut saya, kalau tak, saya hentam lu punya ah. (Come and follow me, or else I will smash you)

The Black Devils have spoken of their true intention. Not like I was surprised. It is a lie if I say I wasn’t even a little bit afraid. But I resolved, instead of dwelling in negative emotions worrying and panicking, it was better off to channel my mind to scheme of an escape plan. For the sake of my future happiness with XXX videos, I have no choice but to pull off a Houdini and I was pretty sure I would prevail. You know why? Because I read Sun Tzu Art of War, and they don’t. 

The Black Devil then grabbed my arm, and led me to a dark lane. My imagination ran wild. This is not an ordinary dark lane – It is Hell, a realm of no return where Satan awaits. I could imagine all my innocent XXX videos, kilobytes by kilobytes get sucked in to the bottomless pit, never to return to the face of the earth again. How cruel. My XXX videos do not deserve such eternal condemnation.

I feigned weakness and complied while quietly searching for solutions in my head. I took the first step. My brain was empty. I took the second step. Still empty. Third step. Still empty. After walking eight steps, my head was still empty, without solutions. Suddenly, there was an urgency in me. I knew I need to get out of here before it is too late.

What do you do if you can’t solve problems with brain? Common sense, you use brawn instead.

So, it looked like I have little choice but to fight them 1 v 3 , Ip Man style. I was fully pumped up, ready to rumble with the Devils. After years of reading Sun Tzu and mimicking Bruce Lee, finally the day has arrived to unleash my power. My arm’s muscles were as elated as myself as they could now fulfill their true purpose of existence. I told myself this will be the day I bring justice to humanity. Once and for all, I will banish these Devils to dust and bringing light to common people. Nothing will stop me in my quest to bring more happiness to the world. I vowed to be a saviour greater than Jesus Christ. I can’t wait any longer to unleash my Buddha Palm, Shadowless Kick, and Iron Fist I learned from watching Wong Fei Hung movies when I was a kid. These bad guys must be punished!

Just when I was about to unleash my Buddha Palm laden with Qigong, suddenly I saw light, literally – A car oblivious of what was going on headed our way. In sheer moment, something unexpected happened. My unconscious mind made a decision to fully seize control of my body without informing my conscious mind! Like a fascist and military junta, my unconscious mind gave me no liberty and emancipation – I have no say in the actions taken. Under the command of the unconscious, my arm shrugged off the grasp of the Black Devil, and then … my legs started to run away!

This is ridiculous. My dream of becoming a hero was dashed by the unconscious mind. I could hear Jesus Christ mocking me from the heavens and Sun Tzu sighed in disappointment. Unacceptable! What’s the use of my testosterone if I’m not gonna fight the baddies? Produce more redundant sperms? Feeling disgruntled, I summon an audience with Alter Ego to demand for an explanation.

Ronn : Hey, why the hell are we running away? Stop running. I order you to turn back and fight them like a man. Real man solve problems with fist, not legs!

Alter Ego: Permission refused. There is a 3.43% chances we will get trashed into pieces despite our superior Sun Tzu and Kung Fu knowledge. As a saying goes – Shit happens. More importantly, there’s a 52.94% chance our delicate skin will be bruised if we engage in fist battle. And I can’t allow that to happen since we still need to look for a girlfriend. Having a scar on our face is …. fugly.

Ronn: How shameful! How are we supposed to explain this to our cavemen ancestors who fought tigers with bare arms? Wouldn’t our ancestors belittle us for the shrinking size of our balls? Worse, what if there are girls around watching this whole ordeal? Our male ego, pride and manliness will all be flushed down the drain … No girls will look up to me anymore =(

Alter Ego: No worries buddy, I’ve scanned around, no girls. Nobody will know we are running away like a pussy *wink wink*. After calculating all the probabilities and chances, I conclude that running away is the best way to minimize risks. If we run, we will escape without getting our skin AND ego bruised. It is like farting once to choke two Devils.

Ronn : Oh really?? Dammit, you’re a genius alter ego! I will write a proper thank you note to you on my blog once I reach home, Ok? Thank You Alter Ego 2!

Alter Ego: Yes, Mr. Obvious, I know I’m a genius. Please tell me something I don’t know. 

Sun Tzu once said “Attack their weaknesses. Emerge to their surprise”. Just as within my Alter Ego’s calculation, my sudden escape totally caught the Devils off guard. The devils were stranded and shocked as they were distracted by the incoming car. They couldn’t believe I escaped under their nose. Ha, that’s the price to pay for overconfidence! The method of escaping was so simple, yet effective. What a gem, Sun Tzu! The Surprise factor not only works on conquering girls but even baddies Devils fell for it too. Don’t mess with Sun Tzu’s philosophy, yo! Now that I have done a Houdini, what are you gonna do now brown cows? Chase me in the middle of the road with other people around?

Speaking of the devil, the angry Three Black Devils really gave me a chasing! I almost forgot they were called Devils for a reason! Damn you Sun Tzu, you never told me anything about brainless angry devils. Oh my mother father granduncle, these dudes got the balls as big as Jupiter. Making loud roars, the angry Devils were chasing me with long chain in their hand like a hungry barbarian with a club eager to smash the rabbit’s head into pieces. Does my head really smell like rabbit? I saw the driver in the car amused of what was going on. He thought I was having some running competition with the Devils and cheered for me to run faster!

HELP ME DAMMIT! Typical dumb Malaysian!

With the rate of how things was going, my future looked bleak. I have little choice but to summon Alter Ego again.

Ronn: Hey, those crazy Devils are behind our ass! What should we do now, genius?

Alter Ego : Shit, I didn’t expect them to give chase in the middle of the road. These Devils are fearless! I didn’t factor that to my calculation, damn! Epic failed.

Ronn: I need a solution now, not ranting!!

Alter Ego : I blame Sun Tzu for what has happened. Not my fault.

Ronn: You better friggin’ get us out of this shit, or else I will go home and do a hardcore meditation to kill you off from my brain.

Alter Ego: No! Ah Ah! I got a super idea here! Hear me, this is what we need to do- Why don’t we … just keep running forward? And run as fast as we can!

Ronn: ……………

YES! You’re right! Why reinvent the wheel when the current method is already working so well? Good thinking, mate!

Alter Ego: Yes, that’s why Buddha was wrong. The ‘Architect’ still need the ‘House’.

After all, alter ego was right. Running is actually my forte, a secret weapon of mine. I turn on my turbo ala Usain Bolt style and accelerated. It was a pity I wasn’t holding a stopwatch to record down the new 100M sprint world record. Carrying a 5KG bag with my laptop inside did not even slow me down by a bit. Probably because of the power of my Nike snickers which I was wearing. The number one reason why I ran faster than the Devils, apart from my strong thighs was simple – I was wearing Nike shoes and the Devils didn’t and I ran 23.544634% percent faster. It showed that Nike is powerful. Nike is great. Nike is unbelievable. (Nike, if you are reading this and need more advertising from me, please don’t hesitate to E-mail me, OK?) .

Suddenly, things seemed peaceful. I looked back and saw the defeated Devils gave up, panting. Realizing that I’ve beaten the Black Devils, I went down on my knees, chins up, stuck both of my middle finger up in the air declaring to the world and heavens – VICTORY! A celebration of justice. A sign of triumph over evil. A gesture condemning the Devils to eternal embarrassment.

I gave myself a pat on my back. I have done Sun Tzu proud. Well done.

The Incident

OK, back to serious mode. Few weeks ago, I came across this at my apartment’s notice board.

Having being published in newspaper as one of the highest robbery areas (snatch thieves, mugging, shop robbery, house break ins) in Petaling Jaya, I was surprised people in my area only started to take notice now.

The story of the Three Black Devils may seem exaggerated but generally the core of the story was true.

• It happened almost 4 months ago
• I was almost mugged by 3 men
• It did crossed my mind to attack them
• I escaped when suddenly a car drove past us. Till today, I’m still amazed how easy it was to escaped having being surrounded by them.
• I was chased by them in the middle of the road. They were holding chain
• Being a typical Malaysian, I didn’t bother to report it to police.
• I did not told anyone about this. The only one I shared with was a friend of mine who also stayed around my area who was literally chased by a man with butcher knife
• And lastly my laptop doesn’t have XXX videos, ok! It is .. at somewhere else … safe =D

What do I do for self defense?

It didn’t left me any trauma or any sort of bad memories simply because I have expected this day would come since I do plenty of walking around my area. When you have expected the worse,  naturally you would be mentally prepared for it and nothing worse could happen.

• Practice my kicks and punches. Image training fighting with the bad guys. Learning martial arts from youtube!
• Since I do not drive, I usually do not go out at night if I’m not alert or tired unless fetched by friends. It takes plenty of energy to constantly scan the surrounding.
• Wear sports shoes if I know I’m going home late. (Nike! Nike! Nike!)
• Avoid suspicious group of people while walking alone. Constantly changing walking directions.