Struggling with Meaninglessness

searching meaning in meaninglessness

A Story Never Told

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An Encounter With Three Black Devils

It was 12.05 in the midnight. I was walking home alone on the street after a long day. The night was cool and breezy, a perfect time for myself to do some mental masturbation. “What should I write on my blog this week?”Evolution? Psychology? Rationalism? Or male supremacy to stroke my own ego again?”

While thinking of something epic to blog about, out of sudden, I sensed some strange energy force walking behind my back. I didn’t feel good. I felt threatened. As though a Darth Vader was walking behind me. I tilted my head slightly and from the corner of my eyes, I saw three tall dark figures tailing closely behind me.  So nope, it was not just 1 Darth Vader. There were 3 of them. I can’t see their face properly. Their face was black dark almost faceless. Since they were not holding any light sabers, I shall call them the Three Black Devils instead for being less cool.

Sensing the possibility of danger, I paced myself trying to distance away from them. But these are no ordinary Devils. Before my brain could load itself to Eisenstein mode, they were already right behind my back in a flash … like Ninjas with some super dashing skills. Damn, they took me by surprise. Their dark aura was so intense, I shivered immediately. The universe forced me to accept the fact that for the first time in my life, I will gonna get mugged on the street.

Immediately, I thought of the precious item I was carrying in my bag – My laptop. These devils will want to take my laptop away! Unthinkable!

Make no mistake, I was more than willing to surrender my laptop to these Devils. What’s so big deal about laptops when we can find laptop everywhere? And it only costs RM2,500+ … cheap machines. But there were something I just can’t give away … – My 200GB of XXX VIDEOS in my laptop. MY PRECIOUS.

I mean …after all the years of companionship and joy with my XXX videos, how could I let them go just like that? Some of these XXX videos were downloaded when I was 15.. and that’s … that’s like .. almost 10 years ago?? So much sweet memories and money can never buy. Plus, if Time = Gold, then the Time I took to download all the XXX movies = crazy amount of Gold. As a guy with Chinese ancestry, my genes always punish me with agonizing emotions if I ever waste Gold. So, no, I will not allow years of my hard work and effort to go in vain.

I’ve made up my mind – no way I’m surrendering my XXX videos to these rascals. I will protect my precious XXX videos at all cost even if it means breaking my bones. What am I gonna do for the rest of my life without my XXX videos? What will be the meaning of life without  XXX video? How can I practice compassion if I can’t spread the joy of my XXX videos with the world via Bittorrent? Buddha would be pissed if I fail in my journey to spread happiness to the world. No, I do not want to let Buddha down. I do not want to see Buddha frown.

The Three Black Devils surrounded me in circle, giving me no room to run. Grinning and gazing me with an intimidating look, one of Devils finally broke the tense silence. He said in broken Malay …

Black Devil : Mari, ikut saya, kalau tak, saya hentam lu punya ah. (Come and follow me, or else I will smash you)

 

The Black Devils have spoken of their true intention. Not like I was surprised. It was a lie if I say I wasn’t afraid. But I resolved, instead of dwelling in negative emotions worrying and panicking, it was better off to channel my mind to scheme of an escape plan. For the sake of future happiness with my XXX videos, I resolved to pull off a Houdini and I was confident I would prevail. Why? Because I read Sun Tzu Art of War, and I know those suckers don’t. Ronn 1 – 0 Devils, even before the battle began.

The Black Devil then grabbed my arm, and pulled me to a dark lane. My imagination ran wild. It was not an ordinary dark lane – It was Hell, a realm of no return where Satan awaits. I could imagine all my innocent XXX videos, kilobytes by kilobytes get sucked in to the bottomless pit, never to return to the face of the earth again. How cruel. My XXX videos do not deserve such eternal condemnation.

I feigned weakness and complied while quietly searching for solutions in my head. I took the first step. My brain was empty. I took the second step. Still empty. Third step. Still empty. After walking eight steps, my head was still empty, without solutions. Suddenly, there was an urgency in me. I knew I need to get out of here before it was too late. For the sake of world peace, I cannot afford to lose any of my 200GB of XXX video. Not even 1MB. No, not even 1KB.

What do you do if you can’t solve problems with brain? Common sense, you use brawn instead. Aha!

So, it looked like I have no choice but to fight them 1 v 3 , Ip Man style. I felt pumped up, ready to rumble with the Devils. After years of reading Sun Tzu and mimicking Bruce Lee, finally the day has arrived to unleash my power. My arm’s muscles were as elated as myself as they could now fulfill their true purpose of existence. I told myself this will be the day I will bring justice to humanity. Once and for all, I will banish these infamous Devils to dust and bringing light to common people. Nothing will stop me in my quest to bring more happiness to the world. I vowed to be a saviour greater than Jesus Christ. I can’t wait any longer to unleash my Buddha Palm, Shadowless Kick, and Iron Fist I learned from watching Wong Fei Hung movies when I was a kid. These bad guys will get hurt real bad …..

Just when I was about to unleash my Buddha Palm laden with Qigong, suddenly I saw light, literally – A car oblivious of what was going on headed our way. In sheer moment, something unexpected happened. My alter ego made a decision without informing me. Using fascism like Hitler, under the command of the alter ego, my arm shrugged off the grasp of the Black Devil, and then … my legs started running away!

This is ridiculous. I witnessed my body in disbelief. My dreams of becoming a hero was dashed by the alter ego. I could hear Jesus Christ mocking me from the heavens and Sun Tzu sighed in disappointment. Unacceptable! What’s the use of my testosterone if I’m not gonna fight the baddies? Produce more redundant sperms only to be flushed down to drain hole? I got super pissed and I summoned an audience with Alter Ego to demand for an explanation.

Ronn : Hey, why the hell are we running away? Stop running. I order you to turn back and fight them like a man. Real man solve problems with fist, not legs!

 

Alter Ego: Refused. There is a 3.43% chances we will get trashed into pieces despite our superior Sun Tzu and Kung Fu knowledge. More importantly, there’s a 52.94% chance our delicate skin will get bruised if we engage in fist battle. I’m sorry bro, but I can’t allow that to happen since we still need to look for a girlfriend.

Ronn: How shameful! How are we supposed to explain this to our cavemen ancestors who fought tigers with bare arms? Now our ancestors will mock us for the shrinking size of our balls. Worse, what if there are girls around watching this whole ordeal? Our male ego, pride and manliness will all be flushed down the drain … Girls will think I’m a wuss and either way no girls will want to be my girlfriend!

 

Alter Ego: No worries bro, I’ve scanned around, no girls. No girls will know we are running away like a pussy *wink wink*. After calculating all the probabilities and chances, I conclude that running away is the best way to minimize risks. If we run, we will escape without getting our skin AND ego bruised. It is like farting once to choke two Devils. Getting a girlfriend in future still looks bright.

Ronn : Oh really?? Dammit, you’re a genius alter ego! I will write a proper thank you note to you on my blog once I reach home, Ok? Thank You Alter Ego 2!

Alter Ego: Yes, Captain Obvious, I know I’m a genius. Please tell me something I don’t know.

 

Sun Tzu once said “Attack their weaknesses. Emerge to their surprise”. Just as within my Alter Ego’s calculation, my sudden escape totally caught the Devils off guard. The devils were stranded and shocked as they were distracted by the incoming car. They couldn’t believe I escaped under their nose. Ha, that’s the price to pay for overconfidence! The method of escaping was so simple, yet effective. Don’t mess with Sun Tzu’s philosophy, yo! Now that I have done a Houdini, what are you gonna do now brown cows? Chase me in the middle of the road with other people around?

Oops, speaking of the devil, the angry Three Black Devils really gave me a chasing! I almost forgot they were called Devils for a reason! Damn you Sun Tzu, you never told me anything about brainless angry devils. Oh my mother father granduncle, these dudes got the balls as big as Jupiter. Making loud roars, the angry Devils were chasing me with long chain in their hand like a hungry barbarian with a club eager to smash the rabbit’s head into pieces. Does my head really smell like rabbit?

More annoyingly, the driver in the car was amused of what was going on. He thought I’m having some running competition with the Devils and cheered for me. NO! HELP ME DAMMIT!!! Typical dumb Malaysian!

With the rate of how things was going, my future looked bleak. I have little choice but to summon Alter Ego again.

 

Ronn: Hey, those crazy Devils are behind our ass! What should we do now, genius?

Alter Ego : Shit, I didn’t expect them to dare to give chase in the middle of the road. I blame Sun Tzu for what has happened. Not my fault.

Ronn: I need a solution now, not ranting!!

Alter Ego: Ah Ah! I got a super idea here! Hear me, this is what we need to do- Why don’t we … just keep running forward? And run as fast as we can!

Ronn: ……………………………………………………………………………………. YES! You’re right! Why reinvent the wheel when the current method is already working so well? Good thinking, mate!

 

After all, alter ego was right. Running is actually my forte, a secret weapon of mine. I turn on my turbo and accelerated. It was a pity I wasn’t holding a stopwatch to record down the time to challenge Usain Bolt’s world record.  Carrying a 5KG bag with my laptop inside did not even slow me down by a bit. In fact I ran further and further away from the Devils. You know why? Because  I was wearing Nike shoes. Nike gave me mutant powers to run faster than the slippers the Devils were wearing.  It shows that Nike is powerful. Nike is great. Nike is unbelievable. (Nike, if you are reading this and need more advertising from me, please don’t hesitate to E-mail me, OK?) .

Suddenly, things seemed peaceful. I looked back and saw the defeated Devils gave up, panting. Realizing that I’ve beaten the Black Devils, I went down on my knees, chins up, stuck both of my middle finger up in the air declaring to the world and heavens – VICTORY! A celebration of justice. A sign of triumph over evil. A gesture condemning the Devils to eternal embarrassment. The victory was so epic, Jesus Christ can’t help but to smirk. I could see angry Buddha smiling again. And a very proud Sun Tzu clapping cheerfully.

I’ve done everyone proud.

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Written by elan85

March 30, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Posted in Storytelling

5 Responses

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  1. HA! I loved this post, nice work indeed – I definitely would have done the same thing. Actually, I have done the same thing – myself and two friends sprinted from a group of about 20 burly boarding school boys when we were 17 or so.. haha.
    Ah well, your post was a good read and brought back memories : )

    Rolley

    April 3, 2009 at 7:02 am

  2. Well Done Ronn lolz well done. Your story line follows a similar pattern to Carl Yung’s

    Vilex

    April 8, 2009 at 11:53 pm

  3. […] gadgets is my biggest turn-ons, beaten only by my Japanese XXX videos. But there are times I just can’t help to wonder – where did the joy came from? What’s the […]

  4. […] funniest piece of story I’ve written is still A Story Never Told. Having reread it few minutes ago, I wonder if I can ever write something as funny as this again. […]

  5. Intimately, the post is often the greatest about this laudable topic. I concur with your conclusions and definitely will thirstily look ahead to your upcoming updates. Just saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for your tremendous lucidity with your writing.

    Deedra Russell

    February 7, 2011 at 1:10 pm


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