Struggling with Meaninglessness

searching meaning in meaninglessness

Archive for January 2014

Ronn’s Creative+Funny Writing on OKCUPID

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More than 2 years ago, I came across a TechCrunch article about OKCupid, a dating site which I thought to have a very intelligent algorithm to match compatibilities between individuals based on a series of profiling questions. I signed up, snooped around to study how the mechanics work just for curiosity and then became inactive shortly because it was not so populated back then

Several months ago, I revisited OKCupid again to see how the site has evolved after all these years. I was impressed by the growth. I have not tried many other dating sites before, but I can imagine people over there is actually much more genuine than other sites because of the effort the users took to really write out their profile. I noticed most people have very serious profiles about themselves. And I thought … what if I write something really dumb here instead?

Since I’m not at all serious into online dating, I’ve decided to bombed my profile with some funny writings.

Took me 2 weeks+ on and off to write all of these but I really enjoyed the whole process. Quite challenging because I’m not a naturally humorous person. I love self-self-deprecating humour and I think I’m pretty good at it due to my natural habit of observing many things. I love hyperbole humour because it involves a lot of imagination and I always try to incorporate it to my writing.

It’s 90% complete at the moment as I’m having some writer’s block. You can read it here : http://www.okcupid.com/profile/ronnyzy 

or below. Will update again once I have ideas on what to write for Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food section.
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MY SELF-SUMMARY
Grateful of my grandfather who took a boat and escaped from China all those years, or I could very well be assembling iPhones in a factory right now.

Alright, the joke above was so good I shamelessly stole it from a friend of mine. But no problem because Steve Jobs is my hero and he told me it’s OK to steal.

I’m allergic to cute Korean girls especially Tiffany Hwang. I always get breathing difficulties every time I see her pictures acting all cute. Especially her leggy pictures. Those pair of glowing legs … they make my nose bleed. I swear it is the allergy. Really.

I like going to Starbucks on weekends to drink RM15 coffee while bringing my Macbook along acting like a sophisticated sir who knows shit about coffee. And then pee it all out at night right before I sleep. Smelling the aroma of the RM15 pee in the urinal bowl – Makes my life feeling complete.

When I’m broke at the end of the month, I will get angry and complain on my Facebook about Malaysia’s rising cost of living and how I could not afford RM15 coffee anymore. Just like many other Malaysians, I’m a douche like that.

I’M REALLY GOOD AT
Complaining about expensive restaurants. I once went to this restaurant and they audaciously charged me RM1.00 for a glass of warm water. I was so mad I flipped the table, stormed to the toilet and drank pipe water while praying to Sun Wukong to save me from this humanity’s madness.

THE FIRST THINGS PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME

I’m an ordinary guy who looks like a typical ah beng due to my lack of fashion sense and boring hairstyle. I refused to accept such inglorious reputation however, so I read crazy shit stuffs like science, economics and many other management and business books to pretend to be an intelligent scholar. I’ve conned my friends into believing that I have Einsteinien level of intellect but the truth is, I’m just pro at googling most of the time.

THE SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT
Keyboard with a perfectly working caps lock button.

As a certified keyboard warrior, I strive to win debates after debates against internet trolls to bring peace to the online world. I like punching trolls so hard till they fall off from the internet. It does not matter if I debate about religion, politics, science, or ideas, as long as I have the caps lock on and a killer one-liner to greet their mothers, my superior logic always win. Something like this:

YOU ARE SO DUMB YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE IS AN APOLOGY LETTER TO YOUR MOTHER FROM THE CONDOM FACTORY!!!!111one

Every time I banish a troll to eternal embarrassment, I can hear George Carlin clapping cheerfully from the heavens as the world will have one less idiot.

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT
I have this fantasy that pigs in slaughterhouse will one day gain high level of intelligence, realised how badly they have been fucked by humans and subsequently unite to wipe us all out. Sort of like Planet of the Pigs on rampage.

Not sure how pigs will fight us with their useless short legs but i suppose they can chuck in some high-tech weapons inside their big nostrils. You know, like launching torpedo by snorting emphatically. And probably holding a dynamite or two with their curly tails too. The pigs will of course win the war eventually because they could breed and multiply faster with their 30-minutes orgasm that man can only envy.

If I ever write a book about this story, I shall call it – The End of Bak Kut Teh As We Know It.

Great mind discuss ideas, small mind discuss people. And here I am … discussing about pigs.

ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT I AM…
I like going to the playground to do pull ups and flex my imaginary 42 inch chest to distract small kids who are on swings and see saw. I always have small boys running over telling me that they can’t wait to start puberty and hope one day they can become as manly as myself. I’m glad that I could play a part to help shape and inspire the society. Malaysia Boleh.

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I’M WILLING TO ADMIT 
There was once I saw this really pretty girl with one hell of a sexy tight body and the nicest ass I’ve ever seen eating a bowl of Bak Kut Teh … It was so friggin’ hot, I swear I couldn’t resist but to secretly snapped a picture with my iPhone like a true pervert.

I know this is supposed to be a personal secret and it’s wrong to secretly take picture of someone but it’s hard to hide the fact that I will get weak on my knees and my blood go all rushing every time I see a bowl of hot and delicious Bak Kut Teh around.

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Written by elan85

January 11, 2014 at 8:21 pm

Posted in Storytelling