Struggling with Meaninglessness

searching meaning in meaninglessness

Archive for April 2015

Random thoughts that mostly don’t matter to anyone else

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Clearing up my Notes on my iPhone. Some of my inner thoughts about self and other slightly more controversial thoughts over the last 6-9 months or so which I did not bother to post anywhere. Gonna dump it all here while i clear my Notes.

  • I don’t put a lot of importance on my thoughts no matter how brilliant i think it is. Because one, my thoughts will probably evolve and change. Two, over time, half of my current thoughts could be proven wrong or laughable. Three, ideas are cheap.
  • I really like sitting in my car listening to music and then just doze off especially in the middle of the night. Cerato is super comfortable, the speaker is awesome, my music playlist is perfect, this is such an amazing place to quiet down my mind.
  • I love reading but somehow, I  just can’t read fiction books. I couldn’t imagine how the story flows in my head. And sometimes, the high level language confuses me. I have long accepted that my right brain is retarded.
  • I cringed like mad reading back all my old writings on this blog. So damn cringyyyy. But at the same time, i was astounded with some of my moments of brilliance here and there. That’s the reason why I stay away from this blog but at the same time embracing it because this blog was part of the process to get me here.
  • Some of my ideas and thoughts for some of my writings i written 7-8 years ago are totally different than what’s in my head today. For one, my thoughts are not as meta and literal anymore. Two, i’m quite a different person than i was 8 years ago definitely. More evolved and refined. But I’m not gonna remove those writings as a reminder of how much i have grew and evolved in my thoughts.
  • Ideal girl – Introverted, simple lifestyle, curious, intelligent, geeky, strong-willed, cheerful and … plainly attractive. I can die happy even if 6/8 criteria is met.
  • Sometimes I wish that I’m a pigeon who is born with a life-partner from birth and obliviously think she is the one and only one and just get on with life till the day we die. But we are not pigeon, aren’t we?
  • Human beings can be too complicated. Too many layer of masks to decipher. I make a point to live my life without any mask, that my outside world reflects my inner world. But i realize in some situations , i had to be tactful and have no choice but to pull the mask out. It’s my lifelong goal to live life with only 1 face without mask and i’m systematically figuring out to achieve it.
  • I never ever lie to myself. Never. It’s the biggest sin one can do to oneself.
  • I strongly believe in gender equality and the rights of females. Society will never advance as long as patriarchal society is in tact.  But some feminists do really get on my nerves with their dumb extreme ideology. Maybe the females have the wrong group of people representing them. Or maybe i just dislike it when people use hate to fight hate.
  • I think humans are attaching too much association and connotation to sex. That sex is sinful, evil, pure, holy, forbidden, sacred, etc. etc. I think it’s strange people think so highly but at the same time so lowly of sexual stuffs. It’s just an intimate + pleasure activity between two beings. Nothing more nothing less.
  • In an ideal world, people should start to exercise more of their human mind and think rationally and logically rather than with their reptilian brain and just being emotionally charged for no reasons.
  • The world is actually very grim world as long as you view it with a victim mentality mindset. And i think that’s the difference between old Ronn and new Ronn. I’m more actively changing things and my ways of seeing things and stop having a victim mentality. Victim mentality is toxic. Victim mentality perpetually make you sad, angry and depress. The only way to change things is to deliberately maneuver things around. But occasionally i’m still guilty of it. At least, i’m aware about it. But the longer i live, the more i dislike victim mentality.
  • Many people are slaves to their mind. Slaves to their emotions. They listen to whatever their chatterbox tell them. They take their negative emotions too seriously. And that make them Unhappy. Stressed. Angry. Sad. Pissed. Bored. 70% of the time, I’m aware enough of the negative shit that mind is trying to tell me and I will not listen to it. I always have to be bigger than what my mind tells me. Control the mind, instead of letting the mind control you.
  • I think my mum will never understand how an introverted mind works. And I take no effort to change it. That’s one victim mentality here from me.
  • I’m not interested in ego battles. It’s fun seeing how vulnerable some people’s ego are when i poked at them but having no equal effect when they do the same on me.  People with minimal ego starts with certain advantage.
  • Fat/obese people who blame their body weight on genes are just lazy and full of victim mentality. Either you stay happy with your body size or bloody do something to change your shape.
  • Peer-pressure and societal-pressure are what holding most people’s potential back. I have seen what pressure can do to people and i’m thankful that my life is relatively pressure-free. And for that, i never like applying pressure to anyone else including to my team at work.
  • Life goal : To stay in a nicely designed studio apartment with a partner, a place where i will turn it to a mini-library with high-tech audio and video system to appease my inner geek and chill the fuck out for the rest of my life. Marriage? Maybe. Kids? Preferably not. Can i amass RM1,000,000 cash by 40 on top of everything else? That’s a big question. Oh, i wanna learn wing chun at some point of my life too.
  • Friends don’t understand how could i have dinner alone. I don’t understand why they think it is not possible.
  • I used to think Intelligence is the most important attribute in an individual. But it’s clear to me Wisdom is even more important than Intelligence. Why? Because wisdom does not only consist of intelligence but also experience, empathy, observations and knowledge. Wisdom is more complete. I think the end goal of life is to master the Wisdom domain, not intelligence.
  • I cannot get attracted to females who i don’t think is physically attractive. Thankfully, my standard is rather average.
  • Noisy kids are annoying. I have no empathy for kids. I’m being irrational, i know.
  • Few years ago, the moment i realized pessimism mindset do not hold any sort of advantage over optimism to be a more complete and evolved being, i switched and shaped myself to become an optimist. Now, I wish i could tell all the pessimists out there – Come to the optimism side. Life is much better and happier this side. Come, hold my hand, I will lead you.
  • I’m always prepared for the worse. Prepared for shit to be thrown at my way. Prepared for Murphy’s Law. Prepared for things to go wrong. Life is shit when you expect life to go smoothly. Life is only smooth when you expect shit to come at you all the time and you punch and break them down one bye one.
  • Having saying that, i also strategize my path so to avoid encountering shit if possible. Dealing with shit, most of the time, is not so fun.
  • Today a friend told me that she thinks i’m quite eligible. Quite grateful for hearing from an extroverted person as i always thought i’m a weirdo who only attracts other weirdo. Actually, I’m starting to think that i’m not as weird as I think I am.
  • Living life by bowing to circumstances sucks. I design the life i want to live in.
  • Some people only focus on their brain and neglect their appearance. Most people only focus on their appearance but pay very little attention to their mind. I realized, both are equally as important. I made a mistake by spending a large chunk of time in my younger days neglecting my appearance.
  • There are people whose reason to have kids is entirely due to pressure from their mum, aunties, grandmother and their family and friends … which is rather dumb. You have a kid because it is your passion to have one, not ‘as a duty of human being’. There is no written rule that we are supposed to breed.
  • I honestly think travelling is quite wasting money.
  • Naruto encapsulates everything i look for in a role model. But most of the time i act like Shikamaru. Maybe i will just become Narumaru.
  • I’m a walking excuse-detector.
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Written by elan85

April 26, 2015 at 9:41 pm

Posted in Uncategorized