Struggling with Meaninglessness

searching meaning in meaninglessness

The Rules of Relationship

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I have been thinking a lot about relationship topic recently and then i had a conversation with a friend few days ago who mentioned that it’s very ‘common for couples to argue’and it’s only ‘normal to consider breaking up from time to time’. Not just this friend alone but many others too who shared with me a similar view over the last several years.

Is it just me or that it is absolutely abnormal to consider constant friction happening in relationship as normal? OK, maybe it’s just me since my super limited experience in relationship probably don’t warrant me any license to call them abnormal. Maybe it’s really the nature of relationship.

But you know what, deep down, I refused to believe it is true.

Imagine you and your best friends. How many times have you and your best friend argued and clashed over your lifetime? Maybe once or twice but I’m sure nothing more. So why do couples who are supposed to be more intimate clash more often than best friends? It’s actually quite perplexing to think about it. People think that best friends and lovers are different. But have you ever think deeper and analyze how and why it is that different?

However, the answer is not that complex once you break things down. It’s because best friends don’t control each other’s life. But couples do. When you assert control over some other people’s life and try to change them, that’s where tension rises and things get heat up. And in relationship, it’s sort of like a an unwritten rule for both the couple to have default permission to control each other’s life.

For example, if the boyfriend loves playing video games and the girlfriend restrict him of spending time playing games because she thinks it is wasting time, that creates tension. If the girlfriend loves ice-cream and dessert but the boyfriend does not let her to touch those because he thinks it makes her fat, that creates unhappiness. This is the control i’m talking about.

Instead of outright control, if i’m in the position of the girlfriend, I will try to reason with the boyfriend on why I think video games is not a time efficient activity. A discourse. At the end of the day, it is up to him to want to change the habit or not. Likewise, for the boyfriend’s scenario. It’s a choice. Just like how best friends give advice to each other but we leave it to the person’s choice on to follow or not and still accepting how and what they are at the end of the day.

I do not like such existing rule which many have ingrained deep in to their soul. The rule that we automatically can dictate each other’s life just because we are partners. And we get unhappy if the other person refused. Maybe because I don’t treat my partner as my possession who i will perfectize her like my ‘dream girl’. Because heck, i will not want her to have the expectation that she can transform me to do or be someone i don’t want to.

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Another reason friction and tension arises in relationship is because people are not clear on why and what they want in a relationship. This is actually pretty important because it determines what sort of person do you look for to fit in to your life.

There are basically 2 layers to the reason why people want to have relationship. The first layer is physical – intimacy, desire, needs, and lust. This first layer is the easiest to fulfill and figured out. Just two person attracted to each other’s face and body and bam bam bam, there they go. But the second layer is extremely tricky. The second layer is about sharing – sharing similar interest, sharing similar life goals, sharing similar values, sharing similar mindset, sharing similar personality, etc.

From my observation, many people only consider the first layer when choosing a girlfriend/boyfriend. And to overlook the second layer, people created another unwritten rule for this to justify any differences between them – the opposite attracts. And because opposite attracts, so we are supposed to embrace the differences even if it means potential incompatibility.

Nope, I don’t agree with it. Do you notice that best friends usually share similar values and mindset? There’s a reason why it’s always easier for best friends to bond together. Now, imagine the situation where the girl loves travelling and the guy is not enthusiastic about it. This will create tension. Imagine if the guy is an introvert geek who likes to stay at home and the girl is an extrovert party animal. This will create unhappiness in long run.

Surely there’s a degree of adaptability that we can take to embrace and tolerate the differences. The threshold is different from individual to individual. But again, I’m not a fan of this rule. It is dangerous when doubts creep in the relationship like ‘maybe i could find someone else better who shares my goal’. Hence, why I strongly believe similarity attracts.

Of course, no two people are 100% similar. Perhaps not even at 80%. But i think we should consider similarity at macro level only instead of micro level. For example, if both the guy and girl love reading, this is macro level. But if one likes fiction and the other read non-fiction, this is micro level.  If both the guy and girl do not believe in marriage – it is macro level. But one believes they should sleep in the same room, another to sleep in different room, this is micro level differences.

As long as things at macro level is aligned, there will be harmony. Micro level differences can always be easily ironed out.

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So yeah, i inherently dislike these current unwritten rules about relationship, not because i’m a rebel for the sake of rebelling but it didn’t really fit in my philosophy well. Guess what, if i’m going to set a personal relationship rules, it will look something like this.

#1 Drama and conflict averse.

Some people said that we can’t control when we fall in love with someone. But i’m pretty sure you can make a conscious decision if you want to be in relationship with this person and decide if he/she is worthy or not. And picking someone, especially if he/she turns out to be incompatible is the mother of all conflicts, fights and arguments. To find someone who understands you, no matter how weird you are, is simple – Patiently search and wait for someone who is as similar as to yourself and somewhat mirrors you. And guess what, the person you have been waiting for so long, may probably be thinking the same too.

 

#2 A relationship based on trust, freedom, and choices

I don’t get a relationship where couples spot checking each other to see where they are or what they are doing. I don’t understand boyfriends who do not allow/restrict the girlfriend to do certain things that she likes just because he doesn’t like it. I don’t get couples who need to see each other everyday, all the time.

Maybe the relationship could be something like the interaction between a cat and human. The cat finds you when it needs some food and the human find the cat when he wants to play with it. For the rest of the day, the cat does its own thing outside and the human does his own thing while with the mutual trust that the cat will return home everyday and the owner will not disappear suddenly without trace.

I actually quite like this idea.

 

#3 Obligation-free

I’m not a fan of threading the traditional study-work-marriage-buy house-kids path. At least not now as I don’t feel ready at all. I do not want to be weighed down by obligation at this stage of my life, although traditionally, i’m already supposed to be at the marriage stage by now. And for the same exact reason, I’m inherently attracted to girls who are much younger than me. Like, up to 10 years, maybe 12. Just because younger girls are more free spirit.

Remember folks, there’s no written law that human are supposed to breed at early or mid 30’s, although babies are cute.

 

#4 Helping each other be better individual, together.

I always see relationship as a two-person tag team where we work together to tackle this thing called Life. To thrive, the pre-requisite condition is to have an adaptable, curious and intelligent mind. They are essential tools for us to level up to become a more evolved and complete person. But acquiring an adaptable + curious + intelligent mind is not exactly in every person’s priority list, sadly.

 

Some may say that i’m just being hypocritical for setting my own rules. Well, that’s exactly the point. My rules is meant to connect with someone else who shares very similar rules. I’m not gonna play by the traditional rules and I will let everyone else to play it.

 

 

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Written by elan85

June 7, 2015 at 6:13 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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