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One Week In Taiwan

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Day 1

– KLIA. Such an unintuitive location for an airport location. So far away from city and civilization and everyone needs to pay so much to take a cab there. And all you you see while going to the airport are trees, cars and billboards.

– If first impression is important, I think KLIA has a pretty much failed in such location. Imagine if you are a tourist who is excited to travel and you land in Malaysia. After checking out and collecting your luggage, you feel mega excited to see how KL is like. But you will have no choice but to spend the next one hour staring at trees and billboards in the bus or cab before you see civilization.

– Wow the Taiwanese custom officer assumed that I can speak mandarin after seeing my Malaysian passport. Not even one hour of stepping in to the country already like this. Die la.

– But well, i do speak mandarin to a certain extent , so challenge accepted~~~

– Observing how restaurants in Taipei  handle customers during peak hour. Their efficiency and services level are quite mind blowing. Something to learn for everyone who does Operation work. How they move large chunk of customers in and out while providing top services in a systematic way

– Not every Taiwanese girls are pretty, but most of them really know how to dress up well

– I have a theory that the majority of good looking Chinese girls have Hokkien or Cantonese blood (Chinese from South East China region) That’s why you will hardly find pretty Chinese girls in Shanghai or Beijing but plenty in Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, Taiwan, HK.

Day 2

– Doesn’t matter if it is 8am, 12pm or 5pm .. Taiwan’s sky is always looking gloomy.

– IQ question. Ronn dislikes overly crowded places. And Taiwan has plenty of crowded places. Therefore Ronn dislikes Taiwan. Is the statement above true or false?

– Taiwanese food is pretty bland. Less sugar, less salt and less oil. Mamak food lover would have raged at Taiwanese food because even Maggi goreng has more flavor than the noodles here. But I very much like it because Mamak food sucks anyway.

– Nothing is overly sweet here. Soya bean, chocolate drink, ice cream, orange juice, even fruits too. Traveling 4000KM away helped me realize that Najib’s “kurangkan gula dalam minuman dan tambahkan manis dalam senyuman” is the wisest quote ever by a Malaysian prime minister.

– After buying some new pants and shoes in Taiwan, I feel scammed back in Malaysia to pay up to Rm250 for a pair of shoes. I just bought a Zara-looking shoe for Rm65.

– The secret of how Taiwanese youngsters have good fashion sense – everything is cheap from shoes to pants to shirt to bag to wallet. Basically, with cheap fashionable clothes everywhere, they have no excuse not to dress up properly.

– It is quite a duh-ish thing to say, but it just gave me the realization on the importance of economic incentives to shape behavior. If the country want people to dress up well, make nice clothes come cheap. If the country want to make people tech savvy, make technology cheap. Make them so affordable to the point people have no reason not to adopt it. So what do Malaysia want us to be? Malaysia want us to be fat with all the sugar in mamak food.

– By now, you should roughly know how much hatred i have for mamak food.

– Taiwanese people are generally quite civilized, drivers are sensible, road is clean. Kinda reminds me of Singapore but less developed in terms of buildings infrastructure.

– But for such an organized country, it is quite perplexing that it is hard to find rubbish bin around. I have been holding the empty food packets for like 2o minutes already.

Day 3

– “Which university are you from? What are you studying? You look very young” Stahp it … Stahp!!

– When it comes to underpromise and overdeliver, my age is a massive failure in this respect.

– Mindblowing fact – Just realized I have yet to see even a single cat in Taiwan. I have a conspiracy theory that all cats have been eaten up by dogs to assert their dominance of stray kings.

– Or perhaps Taiwanese are pet-ist and exterminated all the cats already.

– Was imagining how would it be like to be a horny male cat walking around the street with no other female cats around.

– Every tourist has a major obsession of taking photos during holiday … I don’t share and understand such obsession. Leave me alone with the trees, mum.

– I strongly believe I’m the only one in this world who does not value photography while traveling. I have zero attachments to photographs.

– People like to feed koi fishes at the spot where 99% of the fishes are fighting and struggling for the food pellets. I like to feed the 1% who are at the other end who didn’t give a shit.  The non competitive ones.

Day 4

– I finally found groundbreaking evidence for Nature vs Nurture debate. Just compare the mindset of Malaysian Chinese vs China Chinese although we have the same ancestors. Eureka.

– The Chinese people have the longest human civilization history among all ethnics and races in this world yet they still need to shout to each other’s face as a form of effective communication

– People like to describe food in such an exquisite detail of how delicious certain dish is as though all food can be ranked from A to F. In Ronn’s world, there are only 2 states food can belong to – Uneatable and eatable. And I just ate half of the fish the aunties and uncles complained as being not fresh and smell.

– After several days of hanging in this country, I got a gut feeling Taiwanese English is slightly poorer than Shanghai people’s English.

– A girl wearing a nice sexy low cut dress riding a motorcycle. For two seconds, my brain couldn’t compute what  I just saw

– Still no cats sighted. As each day pass by, my theory is becoming more legit.

Day 5

– Culture shock! Restaurant is full. A pair of Taiwanese girl asked if they can share table. Once given the nod of approval, they immediately dropped their handbags on the chairs and walked off to grab their buffet breakfast. As a guy from Malaysia, I can’t help but to stare at their unattended handbags with evil intentions.

– Was deeply observing and analyzing parrots saying ‘Ni hao’ and ‘hello’ and suddenly got disrupted by mum to take picture. I was this close to have a Nobel Award-worthy discovery on universe and languages until I was sabotaged by humanity’s vanity.

– There is something really peaceful about Buddhist monastery. I think the birds played a major part to create such impression.

– Hot Taiwanese girl checking Ronn out. For two seconds, I am feeling like the handsomest guy in the world

– Spending a great deal of time on the bus,  and the 3G coverage in Taiwan is amazing whether we are on top of the hill or at the countryside or at the beach area.

– Really love the road system in Taiwan. Special lane for public bus and taxis hence they never get stuck in jam. And bus stop like in every 500 meters.

– Saw some squirrels. And still no cats.

Day 6

– After several days here, I conclude there are only 2 main reasons why you go to Taiwan – 1. Visiting hills or 2. Nightmarkets .. If you are not doing any of them, the trip is kinda pointless.

– All bungalows in Taiwan are open gated.

– Everywhere I travel, i always feel depressed seeing how confident the people in their country are towards public security.  I’m not a fan of criticizing the government, but we have to admit Malaysia isn’t really taking any drastic steps to restore public confidence in security.

– Of all the meals I had in Taiwan, the buffet dinner in Park View’s hotel is the best meal Ronn had in his so many days here. They serve only lean meat, no bones, international flavour, fresh and plenty of variety of dishes. I always value practicality over everything else. I don’t give 2 cent shit about uniqueness if it is not practical.

– Lobster and crab are perfect examples of impractical food – expensive, little meat, tedious to eat, messy and … Expensive. Give me chicken any day.

– In Malaysia, all the brand outlets are inside the shopping malls. Here, you can see Nike and Adidas shops on the streets.

Day 7

– I have watched Ip Man like hundred of times. Guess which movie I am watching on the plane out of hundreds of movie selections? That’s right … Ip Man. Girls, take note. Ronn’s loyalty to his favourite things is unparalleled

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Written by elan85

May 18, 2014 at 8:16 pm

Posted in Storytelling

Ronn’s Creative+Funny Writing on OKCUPID

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More than 2 years ago, I came across a TechCrunch article about OKCupid, a dating site which I thought to have a very intelligent algorithm to match compatibilities between individuals based on a series of profiling questions. I signed up, snooped around to study how the mechanics work just for curiosity and then became inactive shortly because it was not so populated back then

Several months ago, I revisited OKCupid again to see how the site has evolved after all these years. I was impressed by the growth. I have not tried many other dating sites before, but I can imagine people over there is actually much more genuine than other sites because of the effort the users took to really write out their profile. I noticed most people have very serious profiles about themselves. And I thought … what if I write something really dumb here instead?

Since I’m not at all serious into online dating, I’ve decided to bombed my profile with some funny writings.

Took me 2 weeks+ on and off to write all of these but I really enjoyed the whole process. Quite challenging because I’m not a naturally humorous person. I love self-self-deprecating humour and I think I’m pretty good at it due to my natural habit of observing many things. I love hyperbole humour because it involves a lot of imagination and I always try to incorporate it to my writing.

It’s 90% complete at the moment as I’m having some writer’s block. You can read it here : http://www.okcupid.com/profile/ronnyzy 

or below. Will update again once I have ideas on what to write for Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food section.
——————
MY SELF-SUMMARY
Grateful of my grandfather who took a boat and escaped from China all those years, or I could very well be assembling iPhones in a factory right now.

Alright, the joke above was so good I shamelessly stole it from a friend of mine. But no problem because Steve Jobs is my hero and he told me it’s OK to steal.

I’m allergic to cute Korean girls especially Tiffany Hwang. I always get breathing difficulties every time I see her pictures acting all cute. Especially her leggy pictures. Those pair of glowing legs … they make my nose bleed. I swear it is the allergy. Really.

I like going to Starbucks on weekends to drink RM15 coffee while bringing my Macbook along acting like a sophisticated sir who knows shit about coffee. And then pee it all out at night right before I sleep. Smelling the aroma of the RM15 pee in the urinal bowl – Makes my life feeling complete.

When I’m broke at the end of the month, I will get angry and complain on my Facebook about Malaysia’s rising cost of living and how I could not afford RM15 coffee anymore. Just like many other Malaysians, I’m a douche like that.

I’M REALLY GOOD AT
Complaining about expensive restaurants. I once went to this restaurant and they audaciously charged me RM1.00 for a glass of warm water. I was so mad I flipped the table, stormed to the toilet and drank pipe water while praying to Sun Wukong to save me from this humanity’s madness.

THE FIRST THINGS PEOPLE USUALLY NOTICE ABOUT ME

I’m an ordinary guy who looks like a typical ah beng due to my lack of fashion sense and boring hairstyle. I refused to accept such inglorious reputation however, so I read crazy shit stuffs like science, economics and many other management and business books to pretend to be an intelligent scholar. I’ve conned my friends into believing that I have Einsteinien level of intellect but the truth is, I’m just pro at googling most of the time.

THE SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT
Keyboard with a perfectly working caps lock button.

As a certified keyboard warrior, I strive to win debates after debates against internet trolls to bring peace to the online world. I like punching trolls so hard till they fall off from the internet. It does not matter if I debate about religion, politics, science, or ideas, as long as I have the caps lock on and a killer one-liner to greet their mothers, my superior logic always win. Something like this:

YOU ARE SO DUMB YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE IS AN APOLOGY LETTER TO YOUR MOTHER FROM THE CONDOM FACTORY!!!!111one

Every time I banish a troll to eternal embarrassment, I can hear George Carlin clapping cheerfully from the heavens as the world will have one less idiot.

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT
I have this fantasy that pigs in slaughterhouse will one day gain high level of intelligence, realised how badly they have been fucked by humans and subsequently unite to wipe us all out. Sort of like Planet of the Pigs on rampage.

Not sure how pigs will fight us with their useless short legs but i suppose they can chuck in some high-tech weapons inside their big nostrils. You know, like launching torpedo by snorting emphatically. And probably holding a dynamite or two with their curly tails too. The pigs will of course win the war eventually because they could breed and multiply faster with their 30-minutes orgasm that man can only envy.

If I ever write a book about this story, I shall call it – The End of Bak Kut Teh As We Know It.

Great mind discuss ideas, small mind discuss people. And here I am … discussing about pigs.

ON A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT I AM…
I like going to the playground to do pull ups and flex my imaginary 42 inch chest to distract small kids who are on swings and see saw. I always have small boys running over telling me that they can’t wait to start puberty and hope one day they can become as manly as myself. I’m glad that I could play a part to help shape and inspire the society. Malaysia Boleh.

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I’M WILLING TO ADMIT 
There was once I saw this really pretty girl with one hell of a sexy tight body and the nicest ass I’ve ever seen eating a bowl of Bak Kut Teh … It was so friggin’ hot, I swear I couldn’t resist but to secretly snapped a picture with my iPhone like a true pervert.

I know this is supposed to be a personal secret and it’s wrong to secretly take picture of someone but it’s hard to hide the fact that I will get weak on my knees and my blood go all rushing every time I see a bowl of hot and delicious Bak Kut Teh around.

Written by elan85

January 11, 2014 at 8:21 pm

Posted in Storytelling

One week in the land of Ching Chong Ching Chong.

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Day 1

  1. Chinese people don’t give a shit about airplane rules. No going to toilet before landing? Goes to toilet. No mobile phone while landing? Talk on the phone like a Chinese.
  2. Chinese people are so cheapskate, they don’t even wanna give free WiFi in an international airport.
  3. The soya bean in Shanghai is so much nicer than Malaysia’s. Yes, I travelled 4,000KM to other country just to try out and compare their soya bean.
  4. Took the Maglev train and travelled at 430KM/H. My trip is complete. Not sure what to do for the next 7 days.
  5. Horning is the national pastime for the People Republic of China
  6. Chinese people don’t give even more shit about rules on the road. Traffic light is meaningless as cars and bikes turn as they want. Zebra crossing is only for zebras and humans are crossing the road like a human.  Cars coming at high speed? Don’t give a shit, crossing the road is more important. Welcome to the metropolitan city of Shanghai
  7. Good news, folks! When it comes to first world infrastructure, third world mentality, Shanghai beat Kuala Lumpur flat on both aspects.
  8. Wanted to say beating us as flat as Chinese girl’s chest. Luckily got awek Melayu to tahan abit #ifyouknowwhatimean
  9. But to be fair …. I think the reason for this is because the development of the city is so rapid, it outpaces the mindset of the people. I believe given enough amount of time, eventually the Chinese will evolve to be slightly more sophisticated creatures and catch up with the modern times.
  10. I like how China has the vision of turning Shanghai into a global financial hub to compete with the big 4 – New York, London, Singapore and Hong Kong. That vision alone has revolutionised the entire city and country on many levels. I think every country needs to have a vision to be among the best in certain industry, especially in industry which does not rely on natural resources. Japanese did it with electronics, German with automobiles, Korean with entertainment, Singapore with services, US with almost everything. In this aspect, Malaysia is far behind with the lack of vision. When the oil and timber run out in the next 20-30 years, Malaysia can suck thumb and eat dirt.
 Day 2
  1. Customer service in Shanghai still have a long way to go. The Chinese is usually with their wadafak-you-want angry face or i-dowan-to-live-on-this-planet-anymore gloomy face.
  2. In the outskirt of Shanghai, there are many houses which have Russian-influenced design. And it looks like toybox.
  3. Went to a tea plantation specialising in selling Long Jing tea. The lady is making a very convincing sales pitch of selling green tea to tourists by using health benefits as angle. And the killer part is when she demonstrated the “positive effect” of green tea. She mixed water + rice, symbol of drinks and food, with iodine, the symbol of poison, and then used green tea to ‘neutralise’/detox’ the poison by making it sinking to the bottom of the cup. But as a guy from marketing background, Ronn always know sales pitch is usually 20% facts and 80% idealism (which could turn into bullshit if over-idealised). I don’t doubt the benefits of green tea, but to sell it as though it is a magical drink which cure all sickness and diseases? But the water + rice + iodine + green tea part was indeed a very clever trick to convince aunties and uncles. I have to give them that.
  4. Good thing I self-learned Mandarin when I was a teenager. I could understand 90% of all the things the lady was saying. Thank you Happy Sunday and Guess Guess Guess.
  5. Chinese people can even upsell stuffs to sell in a museum. Seriously respect. Only In China.
  6. Shanghai girls’ butt are generally flat #observationofabuttguy
  7. Whenever I see a cute girl riding a bicycle in the middle of highway especially at night, I feel like donating all my money to her so that she can buy herself a car to go home safely.
  8. A:  Why are Shanghai girls butt flat?
    B: Because they have Chinese genes?
    A. No. Because they sit on bicycle all the time. #antiantijokechicken
  9. When a mother who gives in to peer pressure easily is with a son who doesn’t give a shit about peer pressure and they both are surrounded by a bunch of aunties, shit can get pretty intense.
Day  3
  1. Sweet sour pork is the one dish which is consistently good whether you are at Shanghai, Hangzhao or Xuzhou.
  2. Visiting temple is something I fear the most. Kneeling to some random statues that I don’t even know. Doing some superstitious rituals that I don’t even understand.
  3. If I’m going to kneel to this dear random statue, I will wish for him to drop me a perfect girlfriend from the sky.  Preferably rich too so that I can tumpang her to buy all the shiny gadgets I want in the world.
  4. Around 30% of Chinese people who drives new mid-range cars like Volkswagen, Audi, Hyundai and Toyota actually wind down the window while driving. My hypothesis is they are doing it to save petrol since air-cond takes up around 10-12% of petrol consumption. Perhaps many of them bought a car with the fact they are financially struggling to pay for petrol. #chinesepeopleveryjagamuka
  5. Wanted to order ice-cream from McDonald’s … but the menu is all 100% in Chinese and I don’t even know how to read and pronounce Sundae in Mandarin. I think to make things foreigner friendly, all food outlet should intelligently label their food with some code in the picture. Like A3 for McFlurry or B5 for Vanilla Sundae etc. Then I could just point my finger at the picture and shout like Chinese always do – GEI WO YI GE B5!!
  6. Money spent after 3 days – 5 yuan for the soya bean. Not sure what to do with the rest of 1995 yuan in my wallet since I couldn’t spend it on McDonald’s. =(
  7. The amount of pretty girls in Shanghai is too damn low! #MalaysianAmoisFTW
  8. There is one part of Xuzhou which was invested and designed by Lee Kuan Yew + Singapore. Honestly, I would want to stay here if I ever move to China. So well organised, modern and structured. And the fact that Lee Kuan Yew invested tonnes of money to develop this area from an empty ground in 90s to a populated suburb area today, it does shows some high level of ingenious and visionary in him.
  9. One of the sights in China which I can never get used to – So many young girls walking alone on the street at night. A sight which I can never almost see in PJ and KL anymore. The fact that Shanghai is so much more safer than PJ/KL made me shed manly tears for our country.
Day  4
  1. Food in Malaysia is much better than food in Shanghai. Even food which don’t need to cook like grapes also nicer in Malaysia. Oh wait, we imported that.
  2. If there is one thing I quite like about Shanghai, it will be their proactive effort to take care of the environment. They make you pay 1 yuan for plastic bag, having recycle bins everywhere, low air cond temperature, and even reminds you not to waste food.
  3. Shanghai’s street is so much more cleaner than Kuala Lumpur it makes me wanna cry.
  4. I think the bad habit of littering are at the same level but Shanghai is more proactive to clean the street while the cleaners at Kuala Lumpur are perpetually hibernating.
  5. At every corner of Shanghai city, they will have policemen, guards and cleaners to take care of the city and making sure everything is in order.
  6. Rumour has it that tourguide earns 30% commission on all the stuffs tourists buy at certain location. So their true job is actually doing sales?
  7. Peretto 80/20 rule is one those models that I can apply in almost everywhere.. Even here, I can safely say 80% of the tour guide’s commission came from 20% of the tourists.
  8. Following tour is one of the lousiest way of travelling. But it is the easiest and most convincing way to organize a trip to far away land among older people. Simply because it gives certainty – where to stay, what to eat, where to visit … everything is set and organised.
  9. But it is certainly not something the younger people do. 6 years ago me and another 3 friends travelled to Bangkok without knowing anything about the city. We just relied on the one simple map we got from monorail station and it brought us to many places for the next 4 days. Yes, that one map.
  10.  In this sense, I think Bangkok did an excellent job. They systematically placed monorail stations nearby all the attraction places, and just one killer map cum brochure to systematically recommend places for tourists to go.. Within 3 or 4 days, you would travel one big round of the entire city and feeling that you have travelled properly.
  11. With more and more younger people doing the explorative style of travelling plus all the information we can get from the internet, I believe tour travel industry could die off within the next 30 years.
Day  5
  1. Ling Shan temple is so beautiful it will make you want to convert to be a Buddhist instantly.
  2. The Grand Buddha is so tall even the real God will be intimidated by his size.
  3. At Nanking’s Japanese Invasion Memorial … an event where 300,000 Chinese were massacred by the Japanese. A moment of silence …. for Japanese’s easy victory over the Chinese
  4. I bet RM0.20 that the number 300,000 was inflated. Just because.
  5. New words learned in China while seeing two Chinese arguing on the street – CHAR NI DE MAMA!!!
  6. Didn’t charge my phone. My brain is dying with the phone battery. No further observation will be made for the day.
Day 7
  1. There is this group of Chinese people who speak like Korean, look like Korean, fart like Korean but they are not Korean..
  2. Even with the number game of billion population they are playing, I think there are more pretty Malaysian girls than Chinese girls. Quality over Quantity, ftw.
  3. This hot Chinese girl is the girlfriend of this ugly Chinese guy. I was this close of kneeling down and kowtow to the guy and call him sifu. This close.
  4. To those who are curious how is it like to go China with tour agency. Here is the breakdown of the time spent.
    2/5 – In the hotel sleeping + resting
    1/5 – In the bus travelling
    1/5 – Eating and travelling at tourist places
    1/5 – Travelling to some random shitty factories and getting upsell like shit with those sales girls flocking the shit out of you like ravens pestering you to buy their shit when their products are all old shit stuffs like jade pearl silk tea herb who da shit care about all these shit?
  5. One of the tour guide’s kungfu is to tell you shitload of random cock stories and then suddenly incept you why you should buy shit from this place they are about to bring you. Money should be spent to enjoy your life kononnya.
  6. Never ever serve bad dishes to Malaysians. We will know. Even before we stick our spoon to the food. Except for Ronn. Everything not horribly cooked will taste the same for him.
  7. Have you ever seen sparrows smile before? I swear I just did in Shanghai. Any creatures which lives in a 22 degrees environment everyday will be the happiest creatures on earth. Ronn included.
  8. The hottest butt I have seen in Shanghai so far belongs to a Spanish girl. Just need one Spanish girl to sapu bermillion million China girls.
  9. For every 100 of steps you take in China, one of them will land on a random old sweaty Chinese uncle’s spit.
Day 7
  1. Please rotate faster to the west side, sun. Getting bored with the trip already.
  2. No gym for two weeks = chest shrunk. Life of an ectomorph T_T
  3. The Chinese keep talking about how they have one of the fastest train in the world, even faster than Japan’s bullet train.
  4. The spirit of Ketuanan Cina is strong here. But at least their Ketuanan Cina spirit is based on something – to create a Chinese imperialism by conquering global economics and making a mark by creating global breakthrough… And they are already doing it. Ketuanan Melayu on the other  hand, believe that waving keris to Malaysians will make the whole world tremble.
  5. If I pray to the deity in a temple in Shanghai and the fella don’t deliver my requests, can I ask for refund for my donations and incense money?
  6. One killer tip to cuci mata in Shanghai. Go to high class shopping malls. As high class as possible. Girls a class above who know how to dress up well, with beautiful hair and 3 inches-thick make up are all concentrated there.
  7. Having saying that, good looking girls with minimal make up and simple appearance are still the most attractive for Ronn. But Ronn still like to see hot girls with nice hair and few inches thick make up. Maybe just like everyone else, Ronn doesn’t know what he wants.
  8. I’m surprised that Ronn is surprised that he likes watching Chinese acrobat shows that is surprisingly entertaining.
  9. Am I the only one who have the twisted nature of hoping one of them will fall flat on their face when they are flipping like 20 feet up in the air but at the same time hope that it will not really happen? OK Ronn really doesn’t know what he wants.

Day 8

1.  Balik Rumah. Camwhore

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Written by elan85

September 30, 2013 at 11:28 pm

Posted in Storytelling

A Story of Female Emotions.

with 10 comments

One of my ‘filters’ when looking for a female partner is to avoid girls who are super-emotional. I think they are rather nuisance to my intelligence and is absolutely nerve racking.

To be fair, I know the female species are generally more emotional than guys. Heck, even my mum’s hot temper could occasionally shatter my rationality into pieces. But I’m perfectly fine with it because her emotions is only slightly above normal level, unlike some small group of extreme emotional females who can never cease being emotional.

I will call these scary species as the “super-emo ladies”.

There are no other creatures in this planet who could mindfuck me to kingdom come – Only them, the super-emo ladies have this ‘mind blowing’ mutant ability. Listening to a super-emo lady rants is pure torture. Beyond hell. They are Satan’s favourite pets. My intelligence will never fail to break down and cry every time they open their mouth and transmit the never-ending-emo-acoustic-vibrations to my ears.

When I’m with a super-emo lady, I will be so psyched up to the point I will become a God-believer – Just for the sheer moment. I will look up at the sky and ask the heavens philosophically – “I can shut my eyes, i can shut my mouth, I can stop breathing, but why can’t I shut my ears? What’s the rationale of God designing human to not able to shut our ears? Why do we HAVE NO CHOICE but to listen to emo rants?”

If God tries to be funny, I could imagine this is how He will reply me – “When a super-emo lady make an emo-rant, and no man is listening to her, is she still ranting?”

……… *confused* ………

Stop Shakespear-ing with me, God!!!

Throughout my experience talking with super-emo ladies, I noticed they have a pattern in their mind. This is one of the scenarios where I can apply my Flake Theory in. They are trapped with their emotions at one part of the brain and couldn’t escape. Hence, they will keep repeating the super-emo process cycle. I will explain what super-emo process cycle shortly.

But to be honest, as time went on, I started to develop a little compassion towards super-emo ladies. And then my friend introduced me to David Deida’s book The Way Of The Superior Man. My compassion towards the female species doubled. I started to see where did super-emo ladies came from. I started to sympathize them as no females would want to become super-emo lady if they ever have a choice.

But still, it didn’t change the fact that I wish my ears could shut down whenever they speak. Too bad.

It has been some time since I’ve encountered a super-emo lady. Until last week. Let’s call her Miss E, my college-mate back in my college days. She has just broken up a one month relationship with a guy recently – Her first love. Clearly, she was unhappy. She needed people to talk to. She wanted to share her problems. Out of sympathy, 5 guys including myself  invited her to a chat room in MSN Messenger to listen to her feelings. But to be honest, we were more interested in listening to gossip more than caring for her. All the guys were listening to her problems intently. But I take little interest in her problems because all I heard was purely emo rants.

She kept ranting and ranting telling how sad she was, how she hated the guy, why starting relationship with him was a mistake, how the guy betrayed her. Kept calling the guy ‘sucker’. Yada yada bla bla bla. Never ending rants and kept repeating the points over and over again.

This is when my friend Mr. J, the ever down to earth Mr. Nice Guy tried to keep consoling and advice her. For 30 minutes, he with his good patience tried to console her with his polite relationship wisdom.

But my guts told me what Mr. J doing was utterly bullshit. His advice will only fall to deaf ears. I would have spent the 30 minutes watching plants grow instead. It would have been more interesting. 

You see, super-emo girls are selfish.  They just wanna spill their emotions. And spill more. And more. What you have to say is irrelevant and pointless. They are treating our ears as slaves. (But since we chatted in MSN, in this case, our eyes became slaves instead.) It is a one way communication. And they are particularly sensitive when you tell them that they are in the wrong side. They are trapped in one side of the brain and couldn’t see the other sides. The process repeats by itself and this is what the super-emo process cycle I mentioned is all about.

After few hours of ranting, now she rant about the SMSes she received.

Miss E : You should have read the SMSes from the guy. Even you would be angry after reading the SMSes.

Mr. J : Really? What did the messages say?

Miss E : But if I open up the messages, it will hurt me again. I don’t want to think about this guy anymore.

Mr . J : Delete all the messages then. Don’t keep them. I want you to move forward, not stuck in the past. You should forget about that guy. Life is … <bla-bla-bla-bla-typical-boring-nice-guy’s-advice-yawwnnnwn-bla-bla>. Don’t think about him anymore. If you have problems talk to us.

I, who was quiet throughout the conversation, suddenly recalled David Deida’s message. Then I decided to rock the boat instead.

Ronn : Show me the messages. I want to read.

Miss E: Really?

Ronn: Yes, I want to read.

Miss E: Um, Ok … Wait, I will connect my mobile phone to my PC.

BAM BAM. My two liner has owned Mr. J’s essay of advice. TOTAL OWNAGE. PWNED. 30 MINUTES DOWN THE DRAIN. I could feel Mr. J wanted to demand her to give him back his 30 minutes of time. And it has proven David Deida’s theory right! What A Gem! The wisest man ever lived on planet Earth after Sun Tzu!

More importantly, I started to understand a little why Nice Guys always lose.

OK, let’s leave out the super-emo lady for a little while. Let’s understand about girls in general. You see, when a typical girl is influx with emotions, no matter happy or sad, she will go beyond human-like. She becomes an Oracle. An oracle do not tell you directly what will happen or what she wants. Instead, she speaks in ‘codes’ and it is up to us, the men, the mere mortal, to decipher her words.

The science behind an Oracle’s mind is not as straight forward as mortal’s thoughts. When an Oracle speaks, she is not using words to describe her thoughts like what most men always do. Rather, she is using words to express her emotions. And for men who have less compassion and wisdom, deciphering Oracle’s words is a mess. And that’s why many men complained they have problems understanding females. And it is also the same reason why the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is such a big hit although the content of the book is total waste of crap. It all boils down to the methodology of communication.

Remember she is an Oracle. She is no ordinary human being. When having an audience with the Oracle and when she has a message for us, we shou…

Alter Ego : Whoa, I’m sorry to interrupt you but I have a question. By that, do you mean there are 3 billion Oracles on this planet?

Ronn : Urm. Figuratively speaking, yes.

Alter Ego : What is so special about it if half of the population are Oracles?

Ronn : Well, it is just a metaphor anyway. Plus, I’m tapping on the power of ‘communicating to emotions’, you know. It is powerful and will make the ladies feel flattered.  =)

Alter Ego : Another words for apple-polishing?

Ronn : Dude, you need some sense of compassion.

Alter Ego : Well, it just didn’t fit in to my logic right to use the word Oracle. The word is too big of a label for them.

Ronn : I suspect you are a male chauvinist donkey.

Alter Ego : I am you and you are me. Yes, I suspect that as well.

Ronn : I think you’re nice and gentleman.

OK, I guess I will stop using the world Oracle since my alter ego bitched about it. Instead I believe practical examples will work best :

  • Boy : What do you want to eat for dinner?
    Girl : Up to you. I’m OK with anything.

Interpretation : When a guy says ‘up to you’, we REALLY meant ‘up to you’. But for a girl, it means that she can’t decide and it up to the guy to decide. However, she expects the guy to make the best decision for her. Hence, if she expects dining in a good restaurant and the guy brings her to a fast food restaurant instead, she will frown in disgust… because it is not really ‘up to you’ after all.

  • Girl : I want to eat the ice-cream, but I’m worried it will make me fat =(

Interpretation : She WANTS to eat the ice-cream. Plus, she needs a ‘delusional reassurance’ from the guy that it will not make her fat. Feed her more ice-cream to gain more love points.

  • Girl : I hate it when you keep watching the TV the whole day.

Interpretation: There’s nothing wrong with watching TV actually. She just doesn’t like the guy to waste so much time with the TV instead of doing something productive… Or perhaps spending time with her.

  • Girl : You should read the messages. But I do not want to read the messages again. It hurts me.

Interpretation : She WANTS to show it to you. The words ‘it hurts me’ means she wants the guy to ‘share her pain’. She expects the guy to insist of showing him.

  • Girl : Don’t buy any gifts for me, OK. Don’t waste your money.

Interpretation : If she says this, especially when the date is near some special occasion, she is actually ‘reminding’ you about it.

Hence, to deal with girl’s words, sometimes you gotta think the big picture a little. Just a little. Decode her emotions, not words. And this is a little problem with most typical Nice Guys – Nice Guys take girls words literally.

Written by elan85

April 13, 2009 at 4:42 pm

A Story Never Told

with 5 comments

An Encounter With Three Black Devils

It was 12.05 in the midnight. I was walking home alone on the street after a long day. The night was cool and breezy, a perfect time for myself to do some mental masturbation. “What should I write on my blog this week?”Evolution? Psychology? Rationalism? Or male supremacy to stroke my own ego again?”

While thinking of something epic to blog about, out of sudden, I sensed some strange energy force walking behind my back. I didn’t feel good. I felt threatened. As though a Darth Vader was walking behind me. I tilted my head slightly and from the corner of my eyes, I saw three tall dark figures tailing closely behind me.  So nope, it was not just 1 Darth Vader. There were 3 of them. I can’t see their face properly. Their face was black dark almost faceless. Since they were not holding any light sabers, I shall call them the Three Black Devils instead for being less cool.

Sensing the possibility of danger, I paced myself trying to distance away from them. But these are no ordinary Devils. Before my brain could load itself to Eisenstein mode, they were already right behind my back in a flash … like Ninjas with some super dashing skills. Damn, they took me by surprise. Their dark aura was so intense, I shivered immediately. The universe forced me to accept the fact that for the first time in my life, I will gonna get mugged on the street.

Immediately, I thought of the precious item I was carrying in my bag – My laptop. These devils will want to take my laptop away! Unthinkable!

Make no mistake, I was more than willing to surrender my laptop to these Devils. What’s so big deal about laptops when we can find laptop everywhere? And it only costs RM2,500+ … cheap machines. But there were something I just can’t give away … – My 200GB of XXX VIDEOS in my laptop. MY PRECIOUS.

I mean …after all the years of companionship and joy with my XXX videos, how could I let them go just like that? Some of these XXX videos were downloaded when I was 15.. and that’s … that’s like .. almost 10 years ago?? So much sweet memories and money can never buy. Plus, if Time = Gold, then the Time I took to download all the XXX movies = crazy amount of Gold. As a guy with Chinese ancestry, my genes always punish me with agonizing emotions if I ever waste Gold. So, no, I will not allow years of my hard work and effort to go in vain.

I’ve made up my mind – no way I’m surrendering my XXX videos to these rascals. I will protect my precious XXX videos at all cost even if it means breaking my bones. What am I gonna do for the rest of my life without my XXX videos? What will be the meaning of life without  XXX video? How can I practice compassion if I can’t spread the joy of my XXX videos with the world via Bittorrent? Buddha would be pissed if I fail in my journey to spread happiness to the world. No, I do not want to let Buddha down. I do not want to see Buddha frown.

The Three Black Devils surrounded me in circle, giving me no room to run. Grinning and gazing me with an intimidating look, one of Devils finally broke the tense silence. He said in broken Malay …

Black Devil : Mari, ikut saya, kalau tak, saya hentam lu punya ah. (Come and follow me, or else I will smash you)

 

The Black Devils have spoken of their true intention. Not like I was surprised. It was a lie if I say I wasn’t afraid. But I resolved, instead of dwelling in negative emotions worrying and panicking, it was better off to channel my mind to scheme of an escape plan. For the sake of future happiness with my XXX videos, I resolved to pull off a Houdini and I was confident I would prevail. Why? Because I read Sun Tzu Art of War, and I know those suckers don’t. Ronn 1 – 0 Devils, even before the battle began.

The Black Devil then grabbed my arm, and pulled me to a dark lane. My imagination ran wild. It was not an ordinary dark lane – It was Hell, a realm of no return where Satan awaits. I could imagine all my innocent XXX videos, kilobytes by kilobytes get sucked in to the bottomless pit, never to return to the face of the earth again. How cruel. My XXX videos do not deserve such eternal condemnation.

I feigned weakness and complied while quietly searching for solutions in my head. I took the first step. My brain was empty. I took the second step. Still empty. Third step. Still empty. After walking eight steps, my head was still empty, without solutions. Suddenly, there was an urgency in me. I knew I need to get out of here before it was too late. For the sake of world peace, I cannot afford to lose any of my 200GB of XXX video. Not even 1MB. No, not even 1KB.

What do you do if you can’t solve problems with brain? Common sense, you use brawn instead. Aha!

So, it looked like I have no choice but to fight them 1 v 3 , Ip Man style. I felt pumped up, ready to rumble with the Devils. After years of reading Sun Tzu and mimicking Bruce Lee, finally the day has arrived to unleash my power. My arm’s muscles were as elated as myself as they could now fulfill their true purpose of existence. I told myself this will be the day I will bring justice to humanity. Once and for all, I will banish these infamous Devils to dust and bringing light to common people. Nothing will stop me in my quest to bring more happiness to the world. I vowed to be a saviour greater than Jesus Christ. I can’t wait any longer to unleash my Buddha Palm, Shadowless Kick, and Iron Fist I learned from watching Wong Fei Hung movies when I was a kid. These bad guys will get hurt real bad …..

Just when I was about to unleash my Buddha Palm laden with Qigong, suddenly I saw light, literally – A car oblivious of what was going on headed our way. In sheer moment, something unexpected happened. My alter ego made a decision without informing me. Using fascism like Hitler, under the command of the alter ego, my arm shrugged off the grasp of the Black Devil, and then … my legs started running away!

This is ridiculous. I witnessed my body in disbelief. My dreams of becoming a hero was dashed by the alter ego. I could hear Jesus Christ mocking me from the heavens and Sun Tzu sighed in disappointment. Unacceptable! What’s the use of my testosterone if I’m not gonna fight the baddies? Produce more redundant sperms only to be flushed down to drain hole? I got super pissed and I summoned an audience with Alter Ego to demand for an explanation.

Ronn : Hey, why the hell are we running away? Stop running. I order you to turn back and fight them like a man. Real man solve problems with fist, not legs!

 

Alter Ego: Refused. There is a 3.43% chances we will get trashed into pieces despite our superior Sun Tzu and Kung Fu knowledge. More importantly, there’s a 52.94% chance our delicate skin will get bruised if we engage in fist battle. I’m sorry bro, but I can’t allow that to happen since we still need to look for a girlfriend.

Ronn: How shameful! How are we supposed to explain this to our cavemen ancestors who fought tigers with bare arms? Now our ancestors will mock us for the shrinking size of our balls. Worse, what if there are girls around watching this whole ordeal? Our male ego, pride and manliness will all be flushed down the drain … Girls will think I’m a wuss and either way no girls will want to be my girlfriend!

 

Alter Ego: No worries bro, I’ve scanned around, no girls. No girls will know we are running away like a pussy *wink wink*. After calculating all the probabilities and chances, I conclude that running away is the best way to minimize risks. If we run, we will escape without getting our skin AND ego bruised. It is like farting once to choke two Devils. Getting a girlfriend in future still looks bright.

Ronn : Oh really?? Dammit, you’re a genius alter ego! I will write a proper thank you note to you on my blog once I reach home, Ok? Thank You Alter Ego 2!

Alter Ego: Yes, Captain Obvious, I know I’m a genius. Please tell me something I don’t know.

 

Sun Tzu once said “Attack their weaknesses. Emerge to their surprise”. Just as within my Alter Ego’s calculation, my sudden escape totally caught the Devils off guard. The devils were stranded and shocked as they were distracted by the incoming car. They couldn’t believe I escaped under their nose. Ha, that’s the price to pay for overconfidence! The method of escaping was so simple, yet effective. Don’t mess with Sun Tzu’s philosophy, yo! Now that I have done a Houdini, what are you gonna do now brown cows? Chase me in the middle of the road with other people around?

Oops, speaking of the devil, the angry Three Black Devils really gave me a chasing! I almost forgot they were called Devils for a reason! Damn you Sun Tzu, you never told me anything about brainless angry devils. Oh my mother father granduncle, these dudes got the balls as big as Jupiter. Making loud roars, the angry Devils were chasing me with long chain in their hand like a hungry barbarian with a club eager to smash the rabbit’s head into pieces. Does my head really smell like rabbit?

More annoyingly, the driver in the car was amused of what was going on. He thought I’m having some running competition with the Devils and cheered for me. NO! HELP ME DAMMIT!!! Typical dumb Malaysian!

With the rate of how things was going, my future looked bleak. I have little choice but to summon Alter Ego again.

 

Ronn: Hey, those crazy Devils are behind our ass! What should we do now, genius?

Alter Ego : Shit, I didn’t expect them to dare to give chase in the middle of the road. I blame Sun Tzu for what has happened. Not my fault.

Ronn: I need a solution now, not ranting!!

Alter Ego: Ah Ah! I got a super idea here! Hear me, this is what we need to do- Why don’t we … just keep running forward? And run as fast as we can!

Ronn: ……………………………………………………………………………………. YES! You’re right! Why reinvent the wheel when the current method is already working so well? Good thinking, mate!

 

After all, alter ego was right. Running is actually my forte, a secret weapon of mine. I turn on my turbo and accelerated. It was a pity I wasn’t holding a stopwatch to record down the time to challenge Usain Bolt’s world record.  Carrying a 5KG bag with my laptop inside did not even slow me down by a bit. In fact I ran further and further away from the Devils. You know why? Because  I was wearing Nike shoes. Nike gave me mutant powers to run faster than the slippers the Devils were wearing.  It shows that Nike is powerful. Nike is great. Nike is unbelievable. (Nike, if you are reading this and need more advertising from me, please don’t hesitate to E-mail me, OK?) .

Suddenly, things seemed peaceful. I looked back and saw the defeated Devils gave up, panting. Realizing that I’ve beaten the Black Devils, I went down on my knees, chins up, stuck both of my middle finger up in the air declaring to the world and heavens – VICTORY! A celebration of justice. A sign of triumph over evil. A gesture condemning the Devils to eternal embarrassment. The victory was so epic, Jesus Christ can’t help but to smirk. I could see angry Buddha smiling again. And a very proud Sun Tzu clapping cheerfully.

I’ve done everyone proud.

Written by elan85

March 30, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Posted in Storytelling